Donald Trump Jovita Carranza Mike Pence National Press Conference Steve Mnuchin

Press conference with Donald Trump (4/2/20)

Looking at The White House feed for today’s press conference, I can see the orange terror has once again decided to spend two and a half hours of the nation’s time on his daily ego trip. I’m sure most of the conference can be summed up by saying the following:

  • We’re still fighting the virus.
  • We’ve done the most tests in the world!!!! U-S-A! U-S-A!
  • “Our country had the best economy, the best wifi, the best testing labs, the best hotels…” You know, on a personal note, I once stayed in a hostel in Hungary with a guy from Spain who kept going on and on about how Spain had “the best food, the best dancers, the best lovers…”. I told that guy “Ok, if that’s true, I want to see you make dinner.” He looked surprised by that response, but I’ll be damned if he didn’t prove his point with some amazing seafood paella an hour later. Trump is a lot like that guy, except that Trump’s not cute, he can’t dance, he can’t cook, and basically he has very little going on to back any of his shit up.
  • “We inherited a broken system… wahhhhh… it’s Obama’s fault! Obama should have planned for a virus that didn’t exist four years ago! THERE WAS AN EMPTY SHELLLLLLF!!!!!”
  • “No one could have seen this coming, and now it’s in every country! WE HAD NO IDEA!”
  • “Here are the same figures on what we sent to New York that I’ve been using for the past four days.”
  • “I was the first person to close the borders with China!”
  • “We’ve learned so much.”

Ok, so now that those talking points are out of the way, I’m only going to write down new information going forward. I expect this to shorten the note taking process significantly.

Here we go!


  • The Paycheck Protection Program launches tomorrow. This is the small business loan program that is offering forgivable loans if you continue to pay your staff. This loan is also open to sole proprietors and independent contractors.
  • If you typically don’t file a tax return, you will not have to file one when you get your direct payment assistance from the government.
  • Your direct assistance will be sent directly to your bank account if you have a bank account on file with the IRS, if not you will receive a check.
  • He says they are “protecting social security, medicaid, and medicare”, whatever that means.


  • She thanks Ivanka Trump, and I’m sorry… but, what is Ivanka’s position in our government? What does she have to do with anything?
  • This new loan will help a lot of small businesses, and they want everyone to know about it.
  • If you continue to pay your employees, UP TO 100% of your loan can be forgiven. UP TO. So, there are conditions. You can read about this loan over at
  • Lol at Trump just dying to interrupt this woman.
  • This loan is for businesses that have 500 or less employees.
  • If you are approved for this loan, you will get the money the same day.
  • The economic relief checks for individual citizens will be here in two weeks if you have direct deposit.
  • If the IRS does not have your direct deposit information on file, they will be launching a web portal that will allow people to submit their information there.
  • The employee retention credit is up and running as well. For the first $10,000 you have spent retaining an employee, you will get a 50% refundable tax credit you can use this year. So, that would mean you will get $5,000 back.
  • The reporters are all asking questions about how this will work, since we all know how poorly the situation with unemployment claims is going. But Steve claims they are totally on track with this. *SUSPICIOUS SIDE EYE*
  • One reporter asks now that social distancing has been extended, why are they not working on another relief bill to cover all the extra weeks? She asks “WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?”
  • Steve says that the bills we currently have should be good for ten weeks. *SUSPICIOUS SIDE EYE*
  • I have to say, it’s pretty damn amusing watching how upset it makes Trump to let other people talk. I mean, look at this face! LOL
“When can we start talking about my ratings again?” – Donald, probably
  • Someone asks how it would make sense for a small business like a restaurant to rehire their employees when no one can come in to eat. Steve says the loan is 100% forgivable and would allow a business to remain operational for weeks even with no business. But, I have a much better question that wasn’t asked. How would this benefit the employees at a restaurant? If they are rehired, as they would have to be in order for the business to collect that loan, then servers will be collecting a very small paycheck. I think in New York servers are now paid, what? $10 an hour? I know most states do have laws on the books that say servers must be brought up to the state minimum wage if they don’t make enough in tips to equal that, but still… every server I know makes more from tips than minimum wage and most of them would be better off taking unemployment instead of accepting this deal. But, here comes the catch… you can only collect unemployment if you’ve been laid off. Technically, these servers would be disqualified. So, the whole thing would be a pretty shitty deal for them.
  • The SBA loan for independent contractors, charities and sole properties will be up next week.


Real time footage of how thirsty Donald was to return to the mic
  • From now on, no one is allowed into nursing homes except for staff.
  • They are also asking that nursing homes use the same staff for the same groups of seniors everyday to minimize the opportunities for the virus to spread.
  • They are also working on extending services for veterans.
  • Interestingly, Donny boy says that they have just used the Defense Production Act to force 3M to make masks. But, weren’t they one of our featured sponsors as recently as… *checks notes* last week? Hmmm… another example of Donald praising a company on live TV only to be forced to admit they weren’t as cooperative as he had made it seem previously. So, 3M now joins GM under Trump’s bus.
  • At least he has finally started saying “COVID” like Cuomo rather than the ridiculously racist phrase “CHINESE VIRUS” that he was using before.
  • He plugs New York’s website for donations and volunteers, which is also interesting because… didn’t this man say he had a national stockpile of supplies he could easily distribute to states in need as recently as… *checks notes* three days ago? Does this mean it’s all gone already?
  • QUOTE: “I want to remind everyone here in our nation’s capital, especially in congress, that this is not the time for politics. Endless partisan investigations… HERE WE GO AGAIN! They’ve already done extraordinary damage to our country” (although hilariously it sounds like “I’ve already done extraordinary damage to our country”, WHICH IS ACCURATE!) “in recent years. You see what happens? It’s uh… a witch hunt, after witch hunt, after witch hunt… and in the end the people doing the witch hunt have been losing, and they’ve been losing by a lot. And.. uh… it’s not anytime for witch hunts, it’s time to uh… get this enemy defeated! Conducting these partisan investigations in the middle of a pandemic is a really big waste of vital resources, time, attention… and we wanna fight for American Lives. Not waste time. And build up my poll numbers, cause that’s all they’re doing, cause everyone knows it’s ridiculous. So, we wanna focus on the people of this country, even the people of the world, we’re gonna be able to help them because right now, as an example, we’re building so many ventilators. Very, very hard to build, but we’re building thousands. Thousands of them. And a lot of them will be coming at a time when we won’t need them as badly… uh, because it takes time. Very complex, very expensive. And we’ll be able to help outside of our country. We think we’ll be able to help.”
  • TRANSLATION: “We will have these ventilators after 16,000 people die in New York, and then we’ll sell them to other countries at a profit. Fuck Nancy Pelosi, and God Bless America.”
  • Another interesting thing to note; one of my very good friends is Brazilian. She said that Brazil is having a hard time getting any medical equipment because the US bought it all. So, for now, we are doing the opposite of what Trump is saying here. We are actively hurting other countries that need supplies. Just like New York can’t buy our own ventilators anymore, neither can Brazil. All of our lives are now in the hands of the United States Federal Government… and if that doesn’t scare you, I don’t know what will.

At that point, Trump says he needs to step out for a meeting and hands the reins over to Mike Pence. Mike almost never says anything worth listening to, so I decided to shut this thing off at that point. I definitely think these posts will be worth a second look in a week when New York is predicted to run out of ventilators. But, for now, please just compare and contrast the quote I just transcribed there to any of Cuomo’s recent quotes about partisan politics. Here, I’ll leave you with this example:

ANDREW CUOMO: “No politics. No partisanship. No division. There is no time for that. Not in this state, not in this nation. This is a deadly serious situation, and frankly it’s more important than politics, and it’s more important than partisanship. And if there is division at this time, the virus will defeat us. If there was ever a moment for unity, this my friends is the moment.”… “In this situation, there are no red states and there are no blue states, and there are no red casualties and there are no blue casualties. It’s red, white and blue. This virus doesn’t discriminate. It attacks everyone, and it attacks everywhere.”… “The president said this is a war, and I agree with that. This is a war. Then, let’s act that way. And let’s act that way now! And let’s show a commonality, and a mutuality, and a UNITY that this country hasn’t seen in decades. Because the lord knows we need it, today more than ever before.”

Do you notice how he managed to say all that without calling anyone else a loser? That’s the difference between a compassionate leader, and Donald Trump.


Please consider donating a few dollars to help keep it going. Transcribing and recapping these press conferences is extremely time consuming. I do it because I passionately believe that everyone should stay informed, but it is undeniably a lot of work. If you would like to help me continue what I’m doing with this website, or just help to make sure I can afford food during this pandemic, please consider sending me a donation. I accept any amount, no matter how much, through Venmo (@Amydetriotgirl), Cashapp (@$carbetarian) and PayPal ( Anything you can give will be appreciated!

Donald Trump GUEST AUTHOR Mark Esper Mike Pence National Press Conference

Press conference with Donald Trump (4/1/20)

BY GUEST AUTHOR, TANYA PEREZ! I’m very excited to introduce you guys to Tanya! She graciously offered to take on a day of tangerine for me yesterday, and I’m thrilled to share her work with you now! Take it away, Tanya!


Ugh, I really wish this was some kind of April’s Fools joke and we all get to have a good laugh at the prank this Administration is pulling on us on the daily. Nope. This is for real, folks. So I’m drinking a mean whiskey while watching this shit show unfold.

Also, I apologize to Amy’s mom for all the adult words I’m ‘bout to unleash. 

Just for the record, I despise this wretch of a “man” so much that I have done a number of santeria rituals to withstand the few hours of listening to his dribble that I have summed up here.  My love for Amy’s blog and Tullamore Dew push me through!


A nearly empty row of seats sits a group of “diverse” reporters strategically 6 feet apart from each other, eager in anticipation for all the WTF moments that are about to unfold this evening.

A group of white dudes walk onto the press briefing stage and hit their marks around the grade school assembly podem.  They stand around for a full two minutes looking like someone smelt it but no one is claiming they delt it.

Just as someone is about to fess up, Bozo the clown emerges from the hideaway door like he is about to do a magic show for Family night at Shoney’s.

45’s Opening Statement 

*America wages war on this “horrible, horrible” virus.

*He’s looking at the numbers. Perhaps not registering what it means but he is looking.

*He reminds the American people to do our patrotic duty by staying the fuck inside all of April. I am calling the this April Showers: The corona trail of tears

*They did a lot of good this to stop this spread but the travel ban was a big old pat on their back for enacting it “early, far, far earlier than anybody thought and before anybody else”

  • Just to instill fear, he reminds us that he is keeping us safe from cartels, criminals and you know all the bad guys who might take advantage of us during this situation
  • Today those drug cartels are planning something. I’m like wait, WHAT? I thought I was gonna sit down and listen to another pack of lies about this pandemic. Where are you going with this, Dinky Don?
  • Something about Enhanced Counter Narcotic Operations
  • 45 calls PPE Personnel Protective Equipment. Full stop. I spent 15 years teaching CPR and First Aid as a side hustle for the NYC DOE, DOH, the Federal Reserve along with medical teams in the city and I’ll be damned to let a little slip from his derelict mouth go unnoticed. It’s PERSONAL PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT and the one thing all our frontline hospital staff NEED right NOW, muthafucker!!! Get that shit RIGHT!!!

45 strolls off and hands over the mic to Secretary Mark Esper.

Markie Mark:

*Today they begin the Enhanced Counter Narcotic Operations in the Eastern Paciifc Ocean and Caribbean. This is not a new ride at DisneyWorld, folks. 

* 22 nations are partnering with us to do this. Something about 280 metric tons of drugs….

Hold up, wait a minute- so we are deploying a bunch of extra military out at sea because we also have a WAR ON DRUGS??!!  What about all those sick soldiers stuck on a boat in Guam? What is happening??!!

I need another glass of whiskey.  Did I tell you this bottle has a Caribbean Cask Finish? Perfect for this next bit of campaigning during a historic pandemic. 

Back to our regularly scheduled program:

*Corrupt actors, not the ones on this very stage, but the Maduro Regime in Venezuela are trying to capitalize on this crisis.

In case you don’t  know who they’re talking about, this is Nicolás Maduro:

And the Trump Administration has been after this guy for a while.  Here is an article published on January 21st 2020 by CNBC.

On January 22nd, Trump made this comment about COVID 19 on CNBC show Squawk Box: “We have it totally under control. It’s one person coming in from China.”

Today we have over 216,000 cases in the USA. We are #1!!!

Let’s return to this ratings-popping-reality-tv -hot-mess, shall we. Cue Thoroughly Modern General Milley!

*In a nutshell, he is not having any of the bad guys fuck up his country. He’s ready to take down all these cocaine cowboys headed our way with these fighting words:

“This is the United States military. You will not penetrate this country. You will not pass jump street.  You will not kill us with your drugs MOTHERFUCKERS”. Ok, I did embellish that last part but I totally thought he said that. 

Exit Milley singing and tapping to the tune of “Not for the Life of Me”. 

Enter stage right, Steve Bannon… I mean Bill Burr…Barr. I don’t know, they all look the same to me. (note from Amy: I LITERALLY THINK THIS EVERY TIME TOO!!!)

*A minute and a half of thank yous.

*The reason why this administration is focusing on this drug war is because of the Mexican cartels and we need to destroy them.

At this point I have spit out my drink and quickly refill. I mean, am I watching the companion series Narcos: Mexico?

*ZZZ cocaine is back ZZZ 70,000 people die from drugs ZZZ NOW is the time to do this ZZZ I love when you hold me, Mr. President.

A concerto plays softly as they dance in his mind together at last.


Oh wait, I forgot about this costar, Ambassador O’Brien, with his stagnant dialogue just saying the same shit everyone else is saying. I would normally kill him off in a second pass of a draft but he had this beautiful under 5 line:

Bassnector O’ Brien: We gonna “choke off” these guys.

Made me giggle.

Q & A TIME! Also known as the drinking game in my house where we all drink when 45 interrupts, lies, gives misinformation or gives no information at all.  Damn, I’m gonna finish this bottle tonight!

Q: What has changed to free up assets now that were unavailable in the past?

*45: Cuz we wanna and we can! I see things no one else sees but I’m gonna pass this over to Mark so he can really answer. Yo, Mark!

*Markie Mark: We have been working on this for a few months and now we can do it. 

Q: For how long will this last?

*Markie Mark: Meh, we will reassess when we want to but at this time we don’t know. We’ll get back to you.

Feels like my last audition tape I sent out. Don’t call us, we’ll call you.

Here comes Donnie!

*45: Blah dee blarp COVID TIE IN boo bee doh

Q: Can you expand on that? Because you tie it to Covid 19 and the cartels are taking advantage of that? How exactly-

*45: Because we are so focused on other parts of this country, the world, my properties, this spray tan…damn this frigging pandemic! You are ruining my campaign! War on Drugs. Super bad.

*45: But the WALL! It’s working! It’s 160 miles and people can’t get in, I mean they can walk around it but they can’t get through it. 

*Ok, what I gathered in this weak ass explanation of things is that the Mexicans are coming again now with Covid 19. End stop. I need to invoke our Lady of Guadalupe to digest all this and bring me the strength to listen onward.

Q: Did China underreport and what does that mean for your relationship with President XI?

*45: We good. Nuff said. Pause 

Oh but they are spending mad money on us. Like farmers and other shit. Word.

Q: What about your tweet about Iran and Iraq plotting something evil against America?

*45: I told them “Don’t do it”.

Q: Back to XI…did you see an Intelligence Report-

*45: I don’t know nothing…EXCEPT…numbers were a little bit on the light side.

He does like looking at numbers. Bee Boop.

*45: “Our relationship is good and they will be doing a lot of spending. There has been a little bit of a hurdle, what has happened over the last month…”  

I wonder if O’Brien is jealous of their relationship. 

Q: China is shipping PPE and taking on a global leadership role-

*45: Woah lady, I am all for China helping out the poor people who don’t know any better about social distancing. Places like:

And this place:

Oh wait, he was talking about OTHER countries. My bad.

45 continues with:

* Walmart is stepping their game and making gowns in all sizes.

* “Did you know I’m #1 on Facebook?” -actual quote

I apologize but I got so damn confused who said what in this section because the Circle Jerk party started to weave in and out to get facetime on the mic, so I am gonna just bullet point the need to know:

*Because of the outbreak on the Theodore Roosevelt Ship, they are increasing testing for soldiers going out to sea and mandating a 14 day quarantine for any deployment. 

*National stockpile of PPE is being depleted because hospitals are actually using them. Duh.

*Asking states to go local with PPE manufacturers

*10,000 ventilators are on hold to be shipped and they are looking at which hotspots to send them to

*Covid 19 says “I’m EVERYWHERE!”

*Birth of the babies will not be done on any of the ship hospitals

Q: Are you lifting immigration restrictions on doctors with H1 visas to help other doctors?

Barr quickly steps in!

*”I’m not part of that no more”

Barr returns to post. 

Q: Is Iran underreporting?

*45: I don’t frigging know and it’s not my fault, it’s Kerry’s.

El Cheeto grandstands this final bit while the actual Covid 19 professionals get ready to make their entrance.  Here are a few things this Caddy Shack reject said:

*Shit is gonna get bad and he loves New York

*Louisiana was “all of a sudden, it was like an explosion” with an outbreak. Totally unexpected. Totally.

*There is a race to find “ a cure, a remedy of some kind or even a help”

*Keep the distance…Professionals said, “Shut the country down” and I’m like,  “What does that mean?”

*We will build this city on rock and roll.  Ok, he didn’t say that but these folx did:

*Corporations will get tax benefits for eating out at restaurants

*45 has a friend who caught the virus and he was the “ right person” to get infected bad enough for him to change his tune about just calling it a flu. 

*Looking into full mitigation of operating flights going in and out of hotspots

When asked about not declaring a national stay at home order, he said “Some states don’t have much of a problem” 

End Stop.

 I will have you know that my internet and feed of the live briefing shut off just as he was talking about his girlfriend Putin.  I think it was the Russion bots watching my screens with their internet spy spiders, so this is as far as I got. 

My final thoughts on this are:

*Go watch Cuomo’s briefings

*Stay the fuck inside and wash everyhting all the goddamn time because this adminstraion doesn’t give a flying fuck about the American people.

*I need to stockpile a helluva lot more booze.

Reporting from Florida, this is Tanya who has entered early retirement with my folks. Peace out!

Tanya Perez is a New York based actress, comedy writer and professional clown who has been displaced by the coronavirus pandemic along with her angry chihuahua Tia Tortilla.  You can follow her on Instagram & Twitter @tanyaperezrulez, IMDB and Facebook.

Yeah, all my work has stopped for the unforeseeable future so contributions can be made at Venmo @Tanya-Perez or using the email at Zelle 


Donald Trump Dr. Deborah Birx Dr. Tony Fauci Mike Pence National Press Conference

Press conference with Donald Trump (3/31/20)

Ok everyone, Donald Trump has been hyping up today’s press conference for the last two days. Mike Pence’s “15 days to slow the spread” one sheet looks to have now been expanded into a “30 days to slow the spread” powerpoint presentation, so you know this is LEGIT. I’m not gonna lie to you guys, I’m pretty tired. Covering three press conferences a day is pretty challenging, especially when De Blasio spends half of his press conferences repeating the same emotional statements about New Yorkers, and Donald Trump spends two hours… well, mostly just taking up air. Cuomo is pretty much the only one giving us solid facts for an hour everyday, in my humble opinion. But regardless, Donald has promised us some really big news tonight. So, I’m buckling up and preparing whatever he throws at us.

The run time on this is 2 hours, so I may attempt to limit myself to only doing bullet points on things that are either really outrageous or actually useful to know.


  • He starts with the usual platitudes about how we all need to do our part to defeat the virus.
  • QUOTE: “some of what we’re learning now will live on into the future. I really believe that. Shaking hands, or not shaking hands… washing hands all the time. Staying a little apart.” – Donald “grab em by the pussy” Trump.
  • The social distancing guidelines are extended up April 30th.
  • He repeats again that we had “THE BEST ECONOMY IN THE WORLD” before the virus.
  • Thanks to the relief bill, nearly 350 billion dollars will soon be available to help small businesses to pay their expenses over the next few months. He says the loans will be forgiven as long as employees are still paid, but he also says that independent contractors can apply for this loan as well. Speaking as an independent contractor, I am wondering how that works? Will I be forgiven for this loan as long as I continue to pay myself? Because, if so… done!
  • This program will begin on Friday, April 3rd.
  • He spoke with the leaders of many telecommunications and internet companies today about their work keeping our phone and data lines open.
  • He claims that other continents are having problems connecting to the internet, and I would like a fact check on this. Do I have any international readers? If so, how is your phone and internet service holding up? Because, to me this just sounds like another episode of “WE HAVE THE GREATEST BLAH BLAH BLAH” for the millionth time.
  • He says they are distributing massive amounts of medical equipment to the states, but they are still holding back 10,000 ventilators. Which is probably why we here in New York City have been reduced to watching our mayor beg anyone who can help to send us more ventilators on live tv.
  • He says he just spoke to the government of Michigan, and they had a good conversation.
  • He repeats yesterday’s breakdown of who recently got ventilators.
  • He says FEMA gave New York City 250 ambulances, as well as additional staff and supplies. He remarks that it is “a lot of ambulances”. And that is a lot of ambulances under normal circumstances. But my city has been getting 7,000 emergency calls a day. That’s the part of this that he’s missing.
  • In California, the army corps of engineers is developing 8 facilities to expand hospital beds by up to 50,000 beds.
  • The USNS Mercy is now operational and receiving patients in Los Angeles.
  • The USNS Comfort is also ready to receive patients in New York City.
  • In Michigan, FEMA will soon deliver a 250 bed field hospital and evaluate other field hospital locations, in addition to delivering the ventilators.
  • In Louisiana, FEMA is delivering two need field hospitals, which will add a total of 500 hospital beds. They are also going to convert the New Orleans convention center, which will have a 3,000 bed capacity. The convention center location will be open next week.
  • He again says the outbreak in Louisiana came “out of nowhere”.
  • Their convention center will take non COVID patients, much like the Javits Center.
  • The government has now successfully retrieved more 25,000 Americans who were stranded abroad because of this crisis.
  • He says we will be going through a very tough two weeks, and says it will be “very painful”.
  • He thanks the media for posting positive articles about him and says that he thinks, frankly, “only positive things can be said when you look at the job we’ve done.” Ok. Sure.
  • He says we are battling “the plague”.
  • He talks again about Emhurst hospital. He says QUOTE “to see the scenes of trailers out there, and uh… what they’re doing with those trailers… they’re freezers. And nobody can even believe it.” (he is speaking about the morgue trucks outside of the hospital)
  • He does say some kind words about the bravery of the people working at Elmhurst, and he again speaks about his friend who is in coma now because of the virus. I can’t stand this man, but I am very sensitive to other people’s emotions. In fact, I would say my ability to quickly identify other people’s emotional state is a part of what makes me so good at my job in the event industry. Everything in me reads this moment as a sincere expression of pain on his part. It’s horrible, and I do not take any joy in seeing anyone feel hurt. As the saying goes, an eye for an eye leaves everyone blind. But, I am glad that these horrible scenes in New York are finally getting to him on some level. The fact that he is feeling pain may end up saving a lot of lives.


  • Our first slide is labeled “GOALS OF COMMUNITY MITIGATION”.
  • My cousin said she couldn’t see the slides on TV, so I’m adding them here for anyone that missed them.
  • The two mountains show what would happen if we do nothing, and what would happen with social distancing.
  • The next slide is labeled “IHME Model Chris Murray”.
  • This model used data from other countries to help project our losses if we use full mitigation.
  • These models are reshaped everyday by the reality on the ground.
  • The next slide is labeled “CUMULATIVE CASES PER 100,000 NY, NJ, CT, WA, CA”.
  • She says this chart is giving us hope, but as I sit here in NY I’m not really seeing how.
  • The next slide shows ALL FIFTY STATES.
  • She says their goal for the next month is to ensure that all the states along the bottom maintain that lower level of curve. As for New York, we’re basically screwed.
  • We need everyone to follow the guidelines perfectly in order to keep our curves flat. Again, unless you’re in New York, in which case lock yourself into your apartment and pray.
  • The next slide is labeled “DAILY NEW CASES IN ITALY”
  • As you can see, now in their fourth week of full mitigation, their curve has started to come down.
  • She warns that although we have hope, we must keep a close eye on changes in Detroit, Louisiana, Chicago, and Massachusetts.
  • She says it’s stressful to follow the guidelines, but it is more stressful for the people working on the frontlines. So stay at home.
  • She said there is no magic vaccine or therapy for this. We just have to change our behavior and stay inside.


  • He says these are very revealing bits of data, and agrees with everything Dr. Birx said.
  • The first part of this curve is in an increase in new cases. When the cases begin to level off, the first result we’ll see is less hospitalizations, the second effect is less intubations, and the third effect is less deaths. Those last three steps always lag behind the first one.
  • He says we are seeing little inclinings of this pattern in New York, so we have to brace ourselves. In the next couple weeks, we’re going to continue to see things go up.
  • He says we cannot be discouraged by that because the mitigation is actually working, and will work.
  • He says our goal should be to help very impacted places like New York and New Jersey get past our curve, but also to make sure the states with few cases continue to have a flat curve and prevent them from spiking.
  • He says the first 15 days have had a positive effect, and the goal with these 30 days is to continue those positive effects.


  • The American people have now seen what the president saw. This is why we’re doing 30 more days.
  • We have reason to believe this is working.
  • Stay at home.
  • Thoughts and prayers.
  • He spoke to all the governors yesterday.
  • At the present moment, the president has declared 29 major disaster declarations for various states, and authorized 10 different states to use full federal funding to pay for their national guard.
  • 17,000 national guard members have been activated.
  • Over a million tests have been done across the country.
  • It’s important that all hospitals and labs continue to report their test results to the CDC daily.
  • FEMA has distributed a lot of stuff.
  • We want all of our medical professionals across the country to know that help is on the way.
  • Mike Pence is going to the Walmart distribution center tomorrow to show people that food is still being delivered.

I watched some of the questions after the main presentation, but I had to cut it off early. I’m sorry, you guys. I try to give you complete, accurate coverage of everything that’s said at these press conferences but this one really got to me. The message I kept hearing over and over again, was that they think they can save the rest of the country, but New York is a different story. The overwhelming bulk of the deaths in this crisis will be here. I already knew that was the situation going into this, but I don’t think I can take hearing it over and over again for an additional hour and a half.

I already know people who have been hospitalized. Multiple friends of friends have already died. But, I think the most horrifying moment of this whole day was when I glanced over at Donald Trump as Dr. Birx was explaining the data again and saw the expression on his face. Just really take a second and look at his face here. This is the face of someone who knows they screwed everything up.

I’m sure in a few days he’ll recover his ego, and be back to his usual narcissistic self. But tonight, we saw a very different Donald Trump. And I was wholly unprepared for how much it threw me off. Any crisis that’s able to get through to someone as thick and self centered as he is truly something to be afraid of.

Please just stay inside, everyone. And if you believe in God, please pray for New York.


Please consider donating a few dollars to help keep it going. Transcribing and recapping these press conferences is extremely time consuming. I do it because I passionately believe that everyone should stay informed, but it is undeniably a lot of work. If you would like to help me continue what I’m doing with this website, or just help to make sure I can afford food during this pandemic, please consider sending me a donation. I accept any amount, no matter how much, through Venmo (@Amydetriotgirl), Cashapp (@$carbetarian) and PayPal ( Anything you can give will be appreciated!

Betsy Devos Donald Trump Dr. Deborah Birx Dr. Tony Fauci Mike Pence National Press Conference Peter Navarro Sonny Perdue

Press conference with Donald Trump (3/27/20)

Boy, tonight was a wild ride. Hang on to your seats, everyone! This is the longest recap so far!

Tonight’s participants are Donald Trump, Mike Pence, Dr. Birx, Dr. Fauci, Peter Navarro, Sonny Perdue, Betsy Devos, Some CEO guys, and the one sheet.


  • This is a “brutal pandemic, 150 countries affected”.
  • Millions of pieces of equipment have been delivered.
  • QUOTE: “We’ve had millions of pieces purchased and delivered, and we’ve made it available to the states. And the governors have been very gracious, for the most part, I would say. There’s a couple who aren’t appreciative of the incredible job… they have to do a better job themselves, that’s part of the problem.”
  • QUOTE: “Governor Cuomo’s been very nice.” *eye roll from me*
  • He says no one else has ever made “portable hospitals”.
  • This afternoon, he used the Defense Production Act to force General Motors to create ventilators. He says this will show companies that they are serious about invoking this right.
  • NOTE FROM ME: But hold up, y’all… hasn’t this tangerine been telling us that this was already a done deal all week? Hmmm…
  • QUOTE: “We thought that we had a deal with, as an example, General Motors, and I guess they thought otherwise. They didn’t agree. But, now they do. They do agree, and I think we might be able to pull it… but we let them know the way we felt, and they can’t be doing that.”
  • NOTE FROM ME: People are going to use this as an excuse to shit on Detroit (my birth place) for years to come. Speaking from my experience on promo tours, people love to bring up the auto company bailouts as an excuse to drag Detroit. This will be more of the same. Way to bring shame to the city, GM! Ugh… But, just to let you know real quick, Detroit is about to get hit hard by this too, and I will not tolerate any slander against the people of my other hometown. It’s not Detroit’s fault that GM made this call. So, to redirect your focus back to the real problem here, Trump basically just admitted he’s been lying ALL WEEK.
  • Peter Navarro will now serve as the national defense production act policy coordinator. Trump says this position will now be more important than it’s ever been in this country. Can I get a fact check on whether this has been a position at all since the last time this act was invoked?


  • We are engaged in the most significant industrial mobilization since World War 2.
  • We have a “war time president fighting an invisible enemy”.
  • We need ventilators to continue this fight, and we need industrialization to do that.
  • He says we need to move in “TRUMP TIME” and honestly I’m gonna vomit. Trump time? TRUMP TIME?!? After he dragged his feet on declaring a national emergency and has left New York out here on our own to go broke? TRUMP TIME!??! *throws chancla at screen*
  • He says the two companies that they had a problem with were GM and Ventec.
  •  He says that Ford was “doing it’s duty patriotically” (Small redemption for Detroit here, I hope people see it!) and working as fast as possible.
  • He says GM threw up roadblocks, and so they had to invoke the act.


  • They are working to sign contracts with other major ventilator companies.
  • They are removing certain regulations in order to make this process faster.
  • There are normally about 29,000 produced in the US each year, but within the next year we will be making over 100,000 additional units.
  • Thousands have gone to New York, and he says “they didn’t know they got them.” Interpret that however you will.
  • His favorite company, Boeing, will be making face shields.
  • Boeing has loaned us a very large plane called “THE DREAM LIFTER”. It’s the largest plane in the world. And he’s brought a picture of it, which means we now have something to rival Pence’s one sheet on stage!
  • Boeing is giving us three additional planes to help deliver supplies.
  • This afternoon, he also signed the new relief bill into law.
  • They are still working on vaccines and therapeutics.
  • Apple has now provided us with a Coronavirus app! Great.
  • He repeats how great it is that we have done so many tests, and I almost feel like his proclivity for bragging about large numbers almost has him tempted to say we have the most cases in the world like it’s a good thing. U-S-A! U-S-A!
  • Boris Johnson is positive.
  • The UK and Italy have asked for ventilators for their countries, according to Trump, and he says we’re going to help them. Far be it from me to deny anyone aid, but he’s planning on helping Europe when he won’t even properly help New York? Whaaaaaaat?


  • QUESTION: What was the issue with GM?
  • TRUMP: It got to be a debate about costs. He says “I wasn’t happy where General Motors built plants at other locations over the years, not so much during my term, but they built a lot of plants in other countries, I won’t name the countries… but you can imagine, and so I didn’t go into it with a very favorable view. I was extremely unhappy with lordstown, Ohio, where they left in the middle of an auto boom because we had 17 car companies coming in and then they were leaving one plant in Ohio. I love Ohio, and uh that becomes the story. Not that all those plants are moving in, but that you had one plant that was leaving. And uh frankly, I think that would be a good place to build the ventilators. But, we’ll see. We’ll see how that all works out. But, uh… So, I wasn’t too thrilled. And then I thought we had a deal for 40,000 ventilators, but then all of a sudden it became 6, and then price became a big object. But, Peter Navarro is gonna handle that.”
  • NOTE FROM ME: First of all, damn… if you work for GM, this is going to be a really tough year. This is terrible PR. But, if you read between the lines here, it sort of sounds like Trump decided to make an example out of GM because something they did caused HIM to have bad press. Note that he says one plant closing became the focus of stories. What stories? What does that have to do with ventilators? I think there’s more to this story than we’re hearing.
  • QUESTION: Over the last 24 hours several states have issued quarantine orders for travelers coming from other states, and they are intercepting people on highways and at airports. They say this is at the recommendation of your administration. Is that true? And if so why?
  • TRUMP: Tony will speak to that later, but we’re being very strong on quarantine and people not leaving, especially people in certain states going to other states. I mean, you’re hearing constantly about people leaving New York and going down to Florida and obviously New York is a hot spot. I mean, that’s why we’re building all those hospital centers in New York. You have to understand, we’re not playing games.
  • NOTE FROM ME: Read between the lines here… he doesn’t want people from New York infecting Mar A Lago. lol
  • QUESTION: You tweeted about the DPA this morning, and shortly afterwards GM announced their ventilator plans. Why did you feel the need to invoke the DPA after they had already complied?
  • TRUMP: It wasn’t after, it was before and we just were not getting there with GM. “We’re not looking to make a big deal on price. We’re not willing to get ripped off on price.”
  • TRUMP: *Backs up his bus and tosses GM under it*
  • QUESTION: Last night, you said you didn’t think there was a need for 30,000 ventilators in New York. Comment?
  • TRUMP: “I think there’s a great chance that we’re not going to need that many. But, you know what? There are a lot of other people that are gonna need them. We have countries all over the world that are friends of ours, and we will help those countries. We’re in a position to do things that other countries can’t. So, we’re in sort of an interesting position because we can make them. We can make 100,000 pretty quickly. So, we can make them, and if we don’t need them, it’s ok because we can help Italy, the UK, Boris Johnson. We’re not gonna be keeping them.
  • NOTE FROM ME: To quote Cuomo “Sooooooooo…” What does this mean? Is he sending us the ventilators or not? There is a part of me that believes that he will make all these ventilators and sell them to Europe before giving them to New York, because “THE ECONOMY”.
  • QUESTION: Cuomo said he would need 30,000 to 40,000 ventilators based on expert advice, what are you basing your assessment on?
  • TRUMP: Ask Deborah. “I think their estimates are high. They could be high. They could be extremely high.” and “we’re gonna see” and then continues “remember, we sent thousands of ventilators to New York and they didn’t know they got them. Then we send thousands of ventilators to New York, and they got them in a warehouse, a New York warehouse, in Edison, New Jersey, which is an interesting thing, and we sent them to Edison, New Jersey. They were in the warehouse, ready to go and New York never took them. So, they knew they were there. So, we have to get people lined up. And I’m not blaming New York!”
  • NOTE FROM ME: If you have been watching Cuomo’s livestreams, then you know Trump is purposely misrepresenting the facts here. To my knowledge, the federal government has only sent New York 4,500 ventilators. Cuomo has been very clear about the fact that the ventilators are currently in warehouses, waiting to be deployed. I don’t know why this windbag is so shocked that the city of New York is using a storage unit in New Jersey. You try finding an available storage unit that large at the last minute in New York City! I can tell you from experience of having to do it before myself, that it is not that easy! Especially if you aren’t working with a large budget! It’s common practice to store things in New Jersey for later use in New York.
  • QUESTION: You have placed a lot of blame on state governors. Can you be specific about what you think they are doing wrong?
  • TRUMP: “I think we’ve done a great job for the state of Washington, and I think the governor is a failed presidential candidate as you know. He leveled out at zero, uh, in the polls, uh. He’s constantly chirping and, I guess complaining would be a nice way of saying it. We’re building hospitals. We’ve done a good job for the state of Washington. Uh, Michigan, all she does is, she has no idea what’s going on, and all she does is say oh, it’s the federal government’s fault. And we’ve taken such great care of Michigan. You know the care we’ve taken of New Jersey. I think if you act Governor Murphy of New Jersey, how are we doing? I think he’d say great. I think. He’s a democrat. Governor Cuomo has really said we’re really doing a great job, and I saw the news conference where he was thanking the people from FEMA, the people from the army corp of engineers… I mean, we built a hospital like in three and a half days. And it’s a big hospital in the Javits Center. And they’re building medical facilities in different parts of New York, and Governor Cuomo’s been appreciative. But, a couple people aren’t. We have done a hell of a job. The federal government has really stepped up.”
  • NOTE FROM ME: Apparently he missed all the times Cuomo said the federal government has failed us throughout his press conferences. Washington, Michigan and New Jersey friends, please weigh in!
  • QUESTION: What more specifically do you want these governors to do?
  • TRUMP: “All I want them to do is, very simple, I want them to be appreciative. I don’t want them to say things that aren’t true. I want them to be appreciative. We’ve done a great job.”
  • TRUMP: We have the army crops renovating hotels. That should be for the states to do. He goes on to say that the governors are blaming him “for political reasons”, and then he goes on to cry woe is me for several minutes longer.
  • TRUMP: I told Mike Pence “DON’T CALL THE WOMAN IN MICHIGAN” (actual audible gasp from me!) “You know what I say? If they don’t treat you right, I don’t call.”
  • NOTE FROM ME: PLEASE WAKE UP, AMERICA! He is leaving people to die because his ego can’t handle facts!!!!
  • QUESTION: Given that older Americans are advised not to travel, is it absolutely necessary for you to go to Norfolk tomorrow?
  • TRUMP: “No, but I have spirit for the country.”
  • QUESTION: You blamed the previous administration for the lack of supplies for a pandemic, you said “we took over an empty shelf”. You’ve been president for more than three years, why didn’t you and your administration fill that shelf?
  • TRUMP: We did. We did fill it. Twice. And we’ve been distributing it for literally a year. The stock pile has been filled “many, many times”. He claims he “changed the system”.
  • QUESTION: What kind of conversation did you have with the president of China?
  • TRUMP: A great one. We talked about how corona happened, what happened… he then praises himself for closing the borders to China YET AGAIN. “ Data… we call it data”
  • QUESTION: Did he ask you to suspend tariffs?
  • TRUMP: No.
  • QUESTION: Monday will be the end of the 15 days to slow the spread. Do you expect that you will simply renew the guidelines? Or do you expect to make modifications?
  • TRUMP: I’ll be sitting down with Tony and Deborah to think about this on Monday or Tuesday.
  • QUESTION: So for people at home, who are wondering how long are we going to have to live like this, what advice would you give them?
  • TRUMP: We do want to flatten the curve, and we really need to talk about areas that have not been affected. I certainly want to get the country open as soon as possible, but I also want it to open “safe”. “Otherwise, what did we do?”
  • QUESTION: United Airlines believes that there will not be enough aid in the bill for them to keep them from having massive layoffs. What do you think about this?
  • TRUMP: “We have brilliant people, and a tremendous amount of money. We have brilliant people from Wall Street.”
  • QUESTION: There may be an economic conflict between bringing companies back to health and making sure people keep their jobs. Are you going to do anything to intervene in that?
  • TRUMP: No, I think those are the same thing. He claims he is “ok at this stuff”.
  • Florida has issued some of the most lax separation rules in the country, yet Florida has a huge population of elderly people. Do you believe the governor is handling this well?
  • TRUMP: I do, because he’s a very talented guy and everyone loves him. He wasn’t happy with the people “flying down from New York”. This MF’er is just going to blame us in New York for everything, isn’t he? SMH.
  • QUESTION: In your letter to the governors, you said they should stop allowing people from high risk areas to travel to low risk areas. How do you expect them to do that?
  • TRUMP: Well, we have some very strong restrictions. We’re going to see.
  • QUESTION: Millions of kids are home, what would you tell the kids watching at home?
  • TRUMP: “I would say that you are a citizen of the greatest country anywhere in the world. And we were attacked, like… nothing that’s happened possibly since 1917 so many years ago. We were attacked. And we’re winning the battle, and we’re going to win the war, and it’s not going to be hopefully that much longer.”
  • TRUMP: He says to let them know that the country was doing GREAT before this.
  • TRUMP: “This thing… maybe it’s a virus… no one knows.”
  • QUESTION: When does the risk become acceptable to go back outside?
  • TRUMP: We’re going to look into that on Monday. He continues by saying that the media has been “very fair” to him and that he’s “not used to fair treatment”. And, yes, all of that is as unrelated to the question as it sounds.
  • QUESTION: New York is currently the epicenter of the crisis. Yesterday, Kellyanne Conway laid a lot of blame for that on the Mayor. I’m wondering if you agree?
  • TRUMP: He says that he does not know De Blasio well, but somehow also “spoken to him a lot”. He says it has been “productive”. He talks about Elmhurst, and vaguely mentions the morgue trucks. But, he says that he likes De Blasio and has been helping him.
  • QUESTION: Are you prepared for the oncoming rush of states that will need help?
  • TRUMP: We are doing a lot. Building hospitals. He says he is getting along well with the governor of California.
  • QUESTION: You and your team have had classified briefings about this virus since January. Did you include the governors in those briefings? When did you warn them?
  • TRUMP: Trump claims he did not have these briefings that long ago, and then he ONCE AGAIN gases off about how he was the first person to close the borders to China. I am not even sure if that is a true statement!
  • QUESTION: On the subject of ventilators, Governor Cuomo says he expects the Apex of his curve to be in 21 days-
  • TRUMP: “Here’s what’s gonna happen, you ready? We’re gonna have more than… we’re manufacturing a lot of them now, we’re accumulating a lot, we’re taking a lot, through the act, we’re taking a lot. We’re actually taking them, and we’re gonna have in a very short period of time, and Peter is doing it along with some very talented people, some really talented people, it’s uh… it’s very impressive, really. But, we’re actually taking a lot. We’re gonna have plenty. And if for some reason, you’re going to need even more, we’re gonna be prepared.”
  • TRUMP: “I inherited a broken system. It was an empty box,”
  • TRUMP: “What we don’t want, is where we distribute the ventilators in New York and they didn’t need them” Y’all, this man is an idiot and does not understand how this virus works!
  • QUESTION: Do you think you’ll be able to get ventilators to every state?
  • TRUMP: I think we’re in great shape. I think we’ll have more than we need, and we’ll be able to send the ventilators to other countries. He then tells the reporter “don’t be a cutie pie” for asking the question.
  • QUESTION: Do you think there will be a need for a phase of relief bills?
  • TRUMP: It may be something where we’ll have to help states, because some of the states have been hurt very badly. He says the priority is “Life and Safety” and then the economy.
  • QUESTION: The World Health Organization said today that any medicines used to treat COVID-19 should be clinically tested and backed by science, but you have encouraged the use of a malaria drug and said you’re sending it to New York very soon. So, is the WHO wrong on this point?
  • TRUMP: He says that the malaria drug seems to have some good backing. He says they’ve given New York 10,000 units. And it’s phenomenal for malaria! So, they’re testing it. He goes on to say that they should test it on people immediately because “people are already dying”.
  • QUESTION: Do you plan to suspend import tariffs for three months?
  • TRUMP: He says this is fake news, and then goes on to say that the Wall Street Journal publishes “a lot of fake news”.


  • The task force met again today.
  • All 50 states now have an active case.
  • The epicenter is still New York.
  • *waves the one sheet*
  • Talks about the relief bill.
  • As of this evening, the president has issued major disaster declarations, most recently for Maryland and Missouri.
  • Emory University in Atlanta began enrolling volunteers in a phase 1 clinical trial for another possible vaccine for the virus.
  • Testing for COVID-19 is available in all 50 states.
  • More than 685,000 have already been performed.
  • Pence says we are airlifting in supplies from countries around the globe, which is funny given how much time Trump just spent saying we were going to airlift them out.
  • If you work at a hospital and are running short on PPE, please alert your hospital administrator. Hospital administrators, please alert your state health director.
  • Tonight the administrator Gainer of FEMA will be speaking to all the hospital administrators in America to talk about the availability of resources, and to encourage everyone to have a logistical supply line from the national guard.


  • She wants everyone to know that President Trump is doing everything he can to keep the children safe and healthy during this crisis. (ignoring the fact that they left New York without the budget needed to fund schools)
  • We must rise to the challenge of educating many children, from many walks of life.
  • She is here to announce a new public/private partnership.
  • But, first she’d like to share some stories about how people are handling this shit show.
  • SPOILER ALERT: Teachers are stepping up and doing more than they are paid to do AS PER USUAL.
  • Trump has taken action to make sure our children don’t need to take standardized tests this year. 47 states have requested this delay in standardized testing, and 46 have been approved in a 24 hour period.
  • They also released additional information making clear the expectation that education will continue for all students. The transition to distance and online learning needs to happen quickly, and it needs to include meaningful instructions and support for children with disabilities.
  • Talks about how people are making this work in all states.
  • They are compiling all of the tools they have produced, along with the great resources that states are offering to help keep learning going. This will be added to their website on an ongoing basis. That website is
  • They are working on providing funding for students who are in school districts that were shut down. She says she’s always believed that funding should be tied to students, not districts.
  • PERSONAL NOTE: I encourage everyone to look up what this woman did with schools of choice in Michigan, and the devastating effect it had on the city of Detroit.
  • She says she will support microgrants for teachers.
  • She talks about how inspiring it’s been to watch our nation’s underpaid teachers struggle to get through this mess.
  • She says they are “continuing to cut federal bureaucracy and allowing schools to rise to this occasion”… which sounds a lot like “we’re continuing to do basically nothing while the states are left to figure this out themselves.”
  • She calls this a “momentary setback” and starts talking about the economy.
  • Federally held student loans will be set at 0% interest rates and can now be deferred for up to 6 months.
  • Says some nice words about keeping up the great work.


  • They are giving out waivers to make sure that kids continue to be fed.
  • They have been working with food producers to make sure that all of our essential food workers are staying on the job.
  • He says that we do not have any problems with the food supply chain, and calls it an “American success story”.
  • HE COUGHS! *suspicious squirrel face*
  • He introduces our corporate sponsors from PepsiCo and Panera Bread, and they tell some human interest stories about making sure kids get food.
  • Y’all I just have to hit you with a few of the comments on this section of the NPR live feed for the Pepsico guy. “Who is this???” and “When did they make Zach Galifianakis part of the cabinet?” lol
  • Panera cares deeply about children or whatever. In all honesty, I should stop throwing  shade here because 1) I love Panera and 2) this Panera guy is doing more for us than most of Trump’s actual cabinet.


  • Yesterday we talked about making sure that our efforts at social distancing are being reflected in the projected need for ventilators, especially in places like Detroit, Dearborn, Cook County and New Orleans. We know that we will not see those adjustments in the next week, but we hope to see them in future weeks.
  • It’s important that we adopt and adapt distancing methods for our country.
  • There was a question about quarantining New Yorkers, she says, and she just wants to clarify one more time that this was not a request for a mandatory quarantine of all New Yorkers, but rather a warning to make New Yorkers aware that they may be infected even if they travel away from New York City. Personally, I actually do think she looks stressed and annoyed here because that was her intention, but many people took it as a call to brick off New York City and let us die. I don’t think that she meant anything malicious by her original comment, and I think she feels guilty now that people are saying such harsh things about New York. I’m going to give her the benefit of the doubt here and say she is trying to discourage people from bullying us.
  • We continue to look at the data everyday.


  • Today he had an opportunity to talk to people who are working on the front lines in places like New York.
  • He told them that they are doing an amazing job.
  • Interestingly, he pointedly reminds everyone that he is a member of the task force too, almost as if some of the people on the stage have forgotten that. This could just be me, but I got some definite mean girls vibes here.
  • …and now I’m picturing Dr. Fauci shouting “THE LIMIT DOESN’T EXIST” as he walks off stage. Lol


  • QUESTION: You said that there would soon be a website where we can see all the data you have, are we closer to that? When do you expect to have that up?
  • DR. BIRX: Thank you, we’ve learned that when the community is educated we all do better together. So, it’s important to get that information out. We are still working on getting this data. The bill mandating that commercial labs share their data was passed today, so hopefully we’ll have that soon.
  • QUESTION: What is the testing standard?
  • DR. BIRX: Testing only tells you if you were positive when you tested. You could become positive the next day. We are working on streamlining the testing standards.
  • QUESTION: Sunday will mark one month since our first death from this illness. How has this nation changed since that death?
  • DR. FAUCI: This is truly an unprecedented situation. He says if you look at other illnesses, like AIDS, the death toll has been horrific. But, it was a slow epidemic. It happened over time. This is happening in real time, and no one has seen a situation like this in over 100 years. It’s truly unprecedented.


Please consider donating a few dollars to help keep it going. Transcribing and recapping these press conferences is extremely time consuming. I do it because I passionately believe that everyone should stay informed, but it is undeniably a lot of work. If you would like to help me continue what I’m doing with this website, or just help to make sure I can afford food during this pandemic, please consider sending me a donation. I accept any amount, no matter how much, through Venmo (@Amydetriotgirl), Cashapp (@$carbetarian) and PayPal ( Anything you can give will be appreciated!

Donald Trump Mike Pence National Press Conference

Press conference with Donald Trump (3/26/20)

Today’s participants in the White House press conference are Dr. Brix, Dr. Fauci, Trump, Pence and, of course, the one sheet.


  • He begins by commenting on all the empty seats, and says he’s “never seen it like that. How the world has changed!” with a look that says he’s internally waffling between sheer unbridled glee at the thought of keeping the press out of the room, and mild concern for his poll numbers, he adds “But, it’s gonna end up being better than ever.”
  • At 7:55 this morning, he spoke to the leaders of the G20. Of the meeting, he says; “Great meeting. Lot of great ideas.”.
  • He says 151 nations now have the virus.
  • He spends several minutes naming all the leaders of the G20, and I take this time to open up a box of strawberry Pocky. Have y’all ever had strawberry pocky? It’s amazing.
  • He then says “We’re handling it in different ways, but there is great uniformity”. To which I audibly responded “girl, what?” to my TV.
  • Here’s where things really start taking a turn though. Seemingly out of nowhere, he says “Somebody in the fake news said ‘oh we need Tom Brady’ I said ‘yeah’” excuse me, but again I just have to ask GIRL, WHAT?
  • He goes on to say that someone said Tom Brady should be leading the country and that this notion is “fake news”. WHAT IS THIS MAN EVEN TALKING ABOUT?!?
  • QUOTE: “Spoke to Tom Brady the other day. Great guy.” *throws Pocky box at screen*
  • QUOTE: “I wish the news could be real. I wish it could be honest. I wish it weren’t corrupt.” (I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish a girl who looked good, I would call her) CONT. OF QUOTE: “But so much of it is, it’s sad to say”
  • QUOTE: “I’m sure you have tapes of the meeting. I’m sure you were able to get tapes. You could easily see it. 50 governors plus, and if you had tapes you’d see… I mean it was really just… no contention. I would say virtually none. I would say maybe one person who was a liiiiiiittle tiny bit of a raising of the voice. He was a little wiseguy. A little bit. But, he’s usually a big wiseguy. Now, not so much anymore. We saw to it that he wouldn’t be so much anymore.” Now, y’all now this orange turd is speaking about MY BELOVED GOVERNOR, Andrew Cuomo. I can’t even express how much this infuriates me. If you’ve been paying close attention to Trump’s words during the past week, he no longer says he’s from New York. He says “he lived there”. This is because he knows New York City HATES HIM, and that he is not welcome to come back. Just as I feel have earned my right to call myself a New Yorker through 16 years of being a part of this city, Trump has lost his right by completely abandoning his roots and his humanity. I am proud to say I am a New Yorker. New Yorkers are among the toughest, hardest working people in the world. Trump is mad because he isn’t fit to hold our sweat.
  • He had a meeting with the state governors today at about 12 o’clock.
  • He gives thanks to everyone for passing the relief bill.
  • Rand Paul has COVID-19. I just thought I’d remind everyone.
  • Of the relief bill, he says “Keep the workers on the payroll. That’s pretty good.”
  • He spends some time talking about a possible next relief bill, and says “We might have one grandstander” who will hold it up. Does anyone want to take bets on who he’s talking about? Nancy Pelosi? Bernie Sanders? Either of our senators from New York? Place your bets in the comments!
  • He repeats yesterday’s numbers about what the bill provides.
  • He says the bill includes 1 million dollars to help with procurement for the defense production act that we are using “only when needed”. Funny how this language keeps changing on this subject.
  • He also repeats the same FEMA numbers from yesterday.
  • He continues to insist he “inherited a broken system”. He says it’s the state’s responsibility to supply their people, but then takes credit for sending supplies to the states.
  • The USS Comfort will be leaving for New York City on Saturday. The ship will arrive on Monday. Trump says he’s going to “kiss it goodbye”, and that he will wave in front of it “for the media”.
  • The ship is currently at the Norfolk Navy Base.
  • They are continuing the search for therapies and vaccines for the virus. There are lots of tests going on.
  • He repeats the same figure about doing more testing in 8 days than in 8 weeks AGAIN. FOR THE THIRD DAY IN A ROW.
  • He says we have to go back to work, because “this is America.” We’ll do it with social distancing or something. He thinks this will end “quickly”.


  • QUESTION: Unemployment? What’s your perspective?
  • TRUMP: He says it’s to be expected. He then praises himself for closing the borders to China yet again.
  • QUESTION: Why are we deploying troops along the Canadian border?
  • TRUMP: He says we have a strong border with Mexico and he continues “I guess it’s equal justice to a certain extent. But, I guess I’ll have to look into that.” Apparently he believes that there is “illegal steel” coming from Canada. Can I get a fact check on this?
  • QUESTION: The USA has now surpassed China in terms of cases. We now have the most in the world. What do you think about this?
  • TRUMP: He says it’s a tribute to the testing. He also insinuates that China is lying about their numbers.
  • QUESTION: How will you make sure people can continue to afford health insurance?
  • TRUMP: “we’re doing a lot of different things. We’re sending them very big checks.”
  • QUESTION: 3% of all restaurants have shuttered for good already because of this crisis. The projections indicate that it could end up being 11%. What do you say to restaurant owners right now?
  • TRUMP: “I know the business very well.” He says they’ll all come back “in one form or another” eventually.
  • QUESTION: Are you looking at using the defense production act more?
  • TRUMP: He says he has used it a couple times already. But, great companies like Ford, GM, 3M and all of our other daily sponsors are doing great. He blames the “broken system” yet again.
  • QUESTION: Cruise liners. Should they move back to the US in order to get relief?
  • TRUMP: I like the concept of them registering in the US. Cruise line business is very important. Big business. Great business. Employs a tremendous amount of people.
  • QUESTION: Airline bailouts, are these appropriate?
  • TRUMP: *rambles for a few minutes* But all that being said, we have to keep the airlines going. It’s vital to our country.
  • QUESTION: On Monday, did you speak to the president of China before you told America not to harass Asian people? Did he influence you to back off of some of your earlier language about the virus?
  • TRUMP: No. And then he goes on to blame the Chinese for the virus again, and says that they have taken advantage of us. He slips in a totally random insult about “Sleepy Joe Biden”, and then doubles down on calling it “the chinese virus”.
  • QUESTION: You said yesterday that you may have new guidelines for certain states to open up earlier than others, do you have that?
  • TRUMP: No.
  • QUESTION: The market is up, do you think the economic uncertainty has passed?
  • TRUMP: No, but we’re on the way. *Praises himself some more*
  • QUESTION: Venezuela is going to get really hard by the virus, is this a concern?
  • TRUMP: Basically no.
  • QUESTION: Can you tell us which two times the defense production act was used?
  • TRUMP: I’ll get back to you on that.
  • QUESTION: Do you think current guidelines will be extended into next week?
  • TRUMP: I think we’ll keep following the guidelines for awhile, even when we are “open”.
  • QUESTION: You just tweeted that it’s very important that we protect asian americans? What are you doing to protect them?
  • TRUMP: “Yes, that was a very important tweet to me.” “Well, I don’t know. All I know is this, Asian Americans in our country are doing fantastically well. I’m very close to them, as you know, and they’re doing fantastically well, and I think they appreciate the job we’re doing. But, I did want to put that statement out, that social media statement, because to me Asian Americans are a great part of our country.” LOL, FACT CHECK???


  • The task force had another meeting today.
  • VIDEO CUTS OFF (!!!!)

I know Dr. Brix and Dr. Fauci also spoke, but unfortunately my livestream cut off at that point. But, I think it’s safe to assume that Pence waved the one sheet again, and ended with “heal our land” as per usual.


Please consider donating a few dollars to help keep it going. Transcribing and recapping these press conferences is extremely time consuming. I do it because I passionately believe that everyone should stay informed, but it is undeniably a lot of work. If you would like to help me continue what I’m doing with this website, or just help to make sure I can afford food during this pandemic, please consider sending me a donation. I accept any amount, no matter how much, through Venmo (@Amydetriotgirl), Cashapp (@$carbetarian) and PayPal ( Anything you can give will be appreciated!

Donald Trump Dr. Deborah Birx Dr. Tony Fauci Mike Pence National Press Conference Steve Mnuchin

Press conference with Donald Trump (3/25/20)

Another day, another episode of the Trump show! Today’s participants are Donald Trump, Mike Pence, Dr. Birx, Dr. Fauci, and Steve Mnuchin.

Once again, I have broken this up into sections by speaker.


  • America continues to gain ground in the war against the virus. Thank you, America.
  • “Social distancing. Important phrase. And we’re doing it right now.” Trump says with a vague attempt at gravitas.
  • Trump is now saying that “certain sections” of the country will hopefully be able to go back to work soon.
  • He has now approved major disaster declarations for New York, California, Washington, Iowa, Louisiana, Texas, and Florida, which has a “large legal significance”.
  • They are in constant communication with the leaders of all of these states.
  • He spoke to Governor Cuomo last night and this morning, and thinks he’s doing a great job. He says that Cuomo thinks, “because he understands negotiation”, that we have been using the defense production act “very appropriately”.
  • Trump says the defense production act is “a great negotiating tool”, however he has not had to use it “much” because all of these companies have done a “TREMENDOUS” job of rising to the plate on their own. Note how this language has subtly shifted from yesterday’s statement that he has not needed to use it all. This statement was followed by our daily sponsored words about 3M.
  • He says they are building up medical gear now and have been giving it away as fast as they can.
  • At 4 minutes in, we get our daily reminder that the Javits Center is the only field hospital location he can ever seem to remember.
  • He says he is doing everything in his power to help New York.
  • They are doing lots of testing on new drugs.
  • The US is doing the most testing in the world.
  • He congratulates the president of Japan for delaying the Olympics for a year. He says quote “I think it’s gonna be a fantastic Olympics. 2021. I think it’s gonna be a fantastic Olympics. I think it was the absolute right decision to delay it for a full year and now have a full beautiful Olympics. It’s gonna be very important because it’s probably the first time maybe ever or certainly in a long time that it was on an, uh, odd year. Always on an even year, they tell me.” with the all the authoritative air of a sophomore dude at a frat party rambling off some quick facts to try to impress a girl.
  • He says he will be at the games when they happen.
  • “As we fight to protect American lives, we’re also protecting American livelihoods.” The senate is very close to passing an emergency relief bill, this is in addition to the two other bills he signed earlier this month. He says they have “all sorts of things in there for the workers, for the families, a tremendous paid sick leave provision for workers at no cost at all to the employers. And that’s a big thing, no cost to the employers.”
  • He says that he believes that this is the biggest bill ever passed. TREMENDOUS.
  • “Families, families, families”
  • The senate bill includes 350 billion dollars in job retention loans for small businesses, with loan forgiveness available for businesses that continue paying their workers. We want people to keep their workers, and pay their workers, which will allow us to quickly accelerate our economy back to normal when we DEFEAT THE VIRUS.
  • There will be 300 billion dollars in direct cash payments available to all american citizens earning less than $99,000 a year. He says that would be $3,400 for the typical family of four.
  • Up to 250 billion dollars in expanded unemployment benefits. This will include self employed people and independent contractors. YASSS! THAT’S ME!
  • Over 100 billion dollars to support the heroic work of our doctors and hospitals.
  • 45 billion dollars for the disaster relief fund, more than doubling the amount to support the current emergency funds.
  • 27 billion to build up our national stockpile of medical gear.
  • He claims he has built up a whole new military while president. Can I get a fact check on this`?
  • The bill will include “significant” funding for new vaccines.
  • Over 500 billion dollars in support for the hardest hit industries, with a ban on stock buybacks, which he is now claiming was his idea. Quote “boy, I tell you the republicans wanted that and the democrats wanted that.” he adds.
  • He says our country will open up “LIKE A ROCKET SHIP”.
  • He says there will be limits on executive compensation going forward, because we are interested in “THE WORKERS”.
  • 16 billion for the purchase of PPE.
  • He encourages the house to push this through to sign. He says it’ll be a great signing. Dare I say it? A tremendous signing.
  • Spoke to the leaders of nonprofits today. They’re fantastic. Great people.
  • SUPPLIES – through FEMA, they are shipping 9.4 million N95 respirators, 20 million surgical masks, 3.1 million face shields, 2.6 million surgical gowns, 14.6 million gloves, and almost 6,000 ventilators.
  • Says there are 150 countries… maaaaybe more than 150… with the virus. He says no one would ever believe that. Never saw it coming. Never opened a history book. But we’ve been incredible. He says some of the press have said he’s amazing, and that he thinks that is “accurate”.
  • Says Cuomo and Deblasio are “happy” and that “it would be hard not to be happy with the job we’re doing”. Ok.
  • H says the people behind him have been amazing, but on the NPR live stream the only person I can see behind him is Pence. Lol
  • He says his team have become his friends, even though “maybe they don’t like me. Another lol for you, sir.
  • Human interest stories rattled off in a monotone voice. TREMENDOUS.
  • Steve Mnuchin has been working hard in “that beautiful building. He sort of lived over in that beautiful building. To me, it’s a very beautiful building. One of the most beautiful buildings in the world. To me, he’s gotten to know it very well.”


  • Thanks Mitch and Chuck for the bipartisan support for this relief bill.
  • Recaps what Trump just said about the bill.
  • Expects to have a way to get the small business loans out next week.
  • Direct payments to citizens coming in the next 3 weeks, either through direct deposit or through the mail. I’m assuming you will get this however you got your last tax refund.
  • Quick break to kiss Trump’s ass.


  • QUESTION: How long do you think this bill will keep the economy afloat?
  • TRUMP: Hopefully a long time. If we have to go back, we have to go back.
  • MNUCHIN: Says he expects this to carry us for three months.
  • QUESTION: Yesterday you said we should never be reliant on a foreign country for the means of our own survival. What did you mean by that?
  • TRUMP: “Well, we’re reliant on many countries where we give up our supply chains, our manufacturing, our production facilities… but it really costs us more in the long run, because we lose jobs and we lose our independence. So, we’ll be making some changes in the future.” On a personal note, I can’t believe this bizzare future we’re living in right now because I actually agree with him!
  • QUESTION: Are you going to sign an executive order to ban the exportation of medical equipment?
  • TRUMP: He says he does not think we’ll need to do that. He starts this answer off reasonably well, and then goes totally off the rails and says that other countries have been playing us “FOR YEARS! And no president has ever done anything about it.” He then goes on to say that we make “the best medical equipment in the world, but we can’t sell it to Europe. But, we’re changing. All of this is changing.” and he really sounds like a YouTube conspiracy theory video right now. Oh god, he’s bringing up NATO. Claims we were paying for everybody, and that because of him, everyone is paying us. This question has gone in a weird direction.
  • QUESTION: Four republican senators have indicated that they believe the extra unemployment insurance may encourage workers to leave their jobs, even though you can only collect unemployment if you’re fired. I’m curious what you think of that?
  • TRUMP: “I know the issue very well. Um, Steve?”
  • MNUCHIN: We did this to ensure the money could flow out quickly, and we do not believe it will encourage people to quit their jobs. No comment on those senators.
  • TRUMP: “The one good thing about this is that people will get more money” Trump says, just to feel useful.
  • QUESTION: The family of retired FBI agent Robert Levinson have concluded that he died in Iranian custody, are you aware of that?
  • TRUMP: “I’m very much involved in that. Great gentleman. Great family. I hate to say it, but it’s not looking good. He wasn’t well anyway. I mean, and it’s not looking promising.” But, Trump says that he does not accept that he’s dead.
  • QUESTION: You tweeted earlier, linking the closing of the country to your election success. Is this easter timeline based on your political interest?
  • TRUMP: WhAt Do U mEaN By ThAt?
  • QUESTION: Lawmakers on both side of the aisle say Easter is not a good idea. What do you say to that?
  • TRUMP: “I know the media would love to tear me down. Just so you understand, are you ready? I think there are certain people who would like it not to open so quickly. I think there are certain people who would like it to do financially poorly, because they think that would be very good for defeating me at the polls. I don’t know if that’s so, but I think it’s very clear that there are people in your profession who write fake news. You do. She does” and goes on. “For whatever reason… and we’ve done one hell of a job. Nobody’s done the job we’ve done. And it’s lucky you have this group here for this problem, or else you wouldn’t even have a country left.” WOW. Just wow.
  • QUESTION: Once the bill is signed how rapidly do you expect to see the funds?
  • TRUMP: Who are you with?
  • QUESTION: CBN, and my second question, we are hearing direct payments will be out by April 6th. Is this true?
  • MNUCHIN: 3 weeks.
  • QUESTION: You’re meeting with world leaders tomorrow, will you try to introduce a worldwide ban on wild animal markets in order to prevent a similar pandemic?
  • TRUMP: I don’t know. This came out of China.
  • QUESTION: Do you want to do more testing? How many deaths are acceptable?
  • TRUMP: We’ve tested more than anybody. We have the best tests. No deaths are acceptable.
  • QUESTION: How can you prevent people from heavily infected states from going to less infected states?
  • TRUMP: I inherited a broken system. We’ve done a lot of tests.
  • QUESTION: Will you consider taking global measures to prevent an apocalyptic pandemic?
  • TRUMP: I’m very strong on borders. I built a big, beautiful wall. Before me, this country had no borders. The people you’re talking about aren’t coming here.
  • QUESTION: Why did all the bills include 25 million for the kennedy arts center here in DC?
  • TRUMP: The kennedy center is suffering greatly. I love the kennedy center, although I can never go there because I’m so busy running the country. The democrats wanted that. You guys, did you know they are closed?
  • QUESTION: Senator Rubio today said that the WHO had showed favoritism to China. Do you agree?
  • TRUMP: A lot of people feel it’s been unfair. I don’t know.
  • DR. FAUCI: I think the WHO is doing a good job. I can’t commit on the politics of that.
  • TRUMP: We’re the ones who had the great response, because I KEPT CHINA OUT.
  • QUESTION: When you have this meeting tomorrow, what kind of response are you expecting?
  • TRUMP: It’ll be a great call.
  • QUESTION: What happens at the end of this 15 day period?
  • TRUMP: I’ll consult with the doctors. Maybe we will reopen in sections. By Easter, we’ll have a recommendation.


  • *waves the one sheet*
  • This is day 10 of 15.
  • Keep washing your hands and social distance.
  • Recaps everything Trump already said.
  • He had a call with Betsy Devos. They made a website for teaching recommendations. She will be joining us on Friday for questions.
  • Secretary Perdue will also be there to talk about school lunches.
  • FEMA is sending more resources to New York soon.
  • FEMA is already in California.
  • The CDC is publishing guidelines tomorrow for how to best use our parks.
  • *quick flash of the one sheet*
  • Continue to practice good principals.
  • People ask me, what can I do? *raises the one sheet*
  • God bless America.
  • Heal our land.


  • We are watching the testing results. Our system to look at flu like illnesses is still up and running, and that is important because we still need to be watching in places that have low numbers of cases.
  • There are four counties with 56% of all cases in the country, and they are all in New York.
  • We are close to getting through our testing backlog.
  • The numbers are stabilizing in New York, and this is good.
  • *borrows the one sheet from Pence, waves it*
  • Yesterday, we asked people from New York to self isolate. Today she clarifies that this is not a mandate, but a precaution.
  • Dr. Birx’s grandmother brought the spanish flu home to her pregnant mother, and her mother died from it. She asks us all not to be that child.


  • He apologizes for being curt about the political question earlier.
  • China is warning us that most of their cases are now coming from outside the country, so we will want to consider what travel we allow when we get to the end of the curve.
  • He believes this may become cyclical flu, which really underscores the need to develop a vaccine.


  • QUESTION: How many ventilators do we have in the national stockpile?
  • PENCE: This has been a major focus for FEMA. We have less than 20,000 in stockpiles. But there are more than 100,000 in the hospital system, and we are working on producing or converting more.
  • QUESTIONS: What do you think about people sewing masks?
  • DR. FAUCI: We would only recommend that if you’re in a very desperate situation, but we don’t need to do that yet.
  • QUESTIONS: Kentucky said they were told to buy their own ventilators, but the federal government has bought them all. What do you say to that?
  • PENCE: We spoke to FEMA and the governors about that. We’re going to make sure everyone gets what they need. He spoke about Michigan, even though the question was about Kentucky, and said he is working with her to get what she needs.
  • QUESTION: when do you think all hospitals will have masks again?
  • PENCE: We’ll have a detailed report by the end of the week.
  • PENCE: *waves the one sheet*


Please consider donating a few dollars to help keep it going. Transcribing and recapping these press conferences is extremely time consuming. I do it because I passionately believe that everyone should stay informed, but it is undeniably a lot of work. If you would like to help me continue what I’m doing with this website, or just help to make sure I can afford food during this pandemic, please consider sending me a donation. I accept any amount, no matter how much, through Venmo (@Amydetriotgirl), Cashapp (@$carbetarian) and PayPal ( Anything you can give will be appreciated!

Donald Trump Dr. Deborah Birx Dr. Tony Fauci Larry Kudlow Mike Pence National Press Conference

Press conference with Donald Trump (3/24/20)

As promised, here are my notes from today’s (3/24/2020) White House press conference. Today’s participants were Donald Trump, Mike Pence, Dr. Tony Fauci, Dr. Deborah Birx and Larry Kudlow. I know they are long, but I have broken them up into sections so that you can scroll to whoever you want to hear from most.


  • Trump says everyone should continue following the White House’s 15 day challenge guidelines, as we continue our battle with the “invisible enemy”.
  • According to Trump, he expects that we will be winning this war by Easter! “What a great timeline that would be.” he says, almost misty eyed as he pictures all the winning that I’m sure we’ll all be enjoying come April. You know, unless you live in Washington, New York or California. But, for those of you reading this in say, Wyoming? THERE WILL BE WINNING!
  • Trump says they will continue to evaluate the data and work towards the best interests of our fantastic country.
  • The virus is currently attacking 149 countries, but Trump says that everyone around the world is looking to us for… well, I guess they are looking to us for some hot tips and advice on WINNING. One can only assume.
  • Trump says that he believes the light at the end of the tunnel is coming soon, although I think he might be getting some phrases about millions of Americans coming to the light a little bit confused here. Dark joke, I know.
  • Here is an update on critical supplies: through FEMA, the federal government is distributing more than 8 million N95 respirators, 14 million surgical masks, with many more on order. We also now have 2.4 million face shields, 1.9 million surgical gowns, 13.5 million gloves, more than 4,000 ventilators.
  • 4,000 ventilators are now coming to New York state, 2,000 of those will go to New York City.
  • The Defense Production Act has been activated, but it has not yet been invoked because companies have already been helping to make supplies without being forced to do it. Ford, 3M, General Electric are all working on making supplies. They came together on their own, and have thus far have been cooperating fully.
  • The Army corps of engineers and the National guard are building four hospitals in NYC and building out four separate temporary medical facilities across NY state, this number includes the Javits Center. We are also getting a Navy hospital ship “in the not too distant future”. The ship is currently under maintenance, although the maintenance has been “condensed” to make the process faster. I’m wondering what condesening maintenance actually means, but Trump assures us all that they are “Incredible ships”. 
  • One ship is already on its way to Los Angeles, and they are looking to develop field hospitals in LA as well.
  • Secretary Mnuchin continues to work closely with members of congress to pass the boldest financial relief bill in history. Senators will hopefully soon vote on a two trillion dollar bill that will deliver cash payments to struggling Americans. They are working on job retention loans and extended unemployment benefits. They are also working on support for hard hit industries, such as the airline industry and the cruise ship industry. On a personal note, I am in a hard hit industry, and I support extending help to industries that we know will be particularly devastated by this. But, I do wonder if benefits will be extended to the hotel industry, and if Trump will directly benefit from those funds.
  • Because Trump can never miss an opportunity to shift blame, he adds that he knows that “the democrats will do the right thing”.
  • The Dow surged over 2,100 points today, which is the all time record of the exchange. Trump says this is very encouraging. He assumes that this happened because people are looking at what is close to being passed, and looking at how hard his team is working to get the country open again.
  • Trump says he has a team of public health experts and financial people looking at when we can officially reopen the country. But honestly, from my point of view, it sounds like he is probably more so asking the financial people. He says his decision will be based on hard facts and data. But that he is really looking forward to “THAT BEAUTIFUL EASTER DAY”.
  • Trump then says that this is a medical crisis, not a financial crisis. It’s a thing no one has seen in decades. We are marshalling strength.
  • He’s had a call with governors, and spirits are great!
  • He goes on to say that we should never be reliant on a foreign country for the means of our own survival, and that he thinks we have already learned a lot from this situation. He then somehow comes to the conclusion that this crisis has underlined how important it is to have “STRONG BORDERS” and manufacturing, and does some aimless bragging about how he has brought back a record number of jobs. Sure, jan.
  • “Without borders, you don’t have a nation” he adds, just to really underline that last point.
  • He says our goal for the future must be to have American medicine, American supplies, American xenophobia, etc for “our great american heroes”. Ok, I may have ad libbed some of that.
  • He says we are “energy independent. I’d like a fact check on this.
  • “Embrace commerce with all, be dependent on none” he continues.
  • He says the best thing for the world would be to see the US make a “very powerful victory over the virus”.
  • He says citizens in New York are using 3D printers to make hundreds of face shields, and to that I say… WE ARE??? And I ask, would that be because we were totally unprepared for a pandemic? Hmmm… things that make you think.
  • People are uniting to collect supplies, our spirit can never be broken, etc, etc.
  • Trump finishes this portion by saying “Let’s bring up someone who is maybe one of the great experts”. MAYBE.


  • Dr. Birx says that we are accelerating testing at a record rate. So far, 370,000 tests have been done. The majority (over 220,000) were done in the last 8 days. She adds that what South Korea did in 8 weeks, we did in 8 days. This was made possible by the HHS team all working together, and by the FDA and CDC just basically doing their jobs. She says that we still have a lot more to do.
  • They are working on the ability for people to take their own sample. That does not mean it would be a home test. That means you would be able to do it yourself with the guidance of a doctor at a testing site. The advantage of this is that it will limit the need for PPE at testing sites, and allow more PPE to go to the hospitals where they are needed most.
  • “Encouraging results have been coming out of Italy.”
  • She says that new cases will continue to surge because of our testing backlog, but we are close to catching up to the backlog. When we do catch up with the backlog, it will allow more realistic real time numbers for new cases each day.
  • She says that they remain deeply concerned about NYC and the metro area. About 56% of all cases in the United States are coming out of this area, which represents 60% of all new cases. 31% of the people dying from the disease are in NYC.
  • She reminds us that we must follow the CDC guidelines in order to get through this.
  • She says that, because of the sheer number of cases we are seeing in NYC, everyone who has left New York City recently may have been exposed. Thus, anyone who has been in NYC in the last two weeks should be quarantining for the full 14 days whether you are sick or not, no matter where you went subsequently. This is especially true if you fled NYC to go to the Hamptons, where they are not prepared for a mass outbreak.


  • First, he talks about testing. He says we need to know what the penetrance of infection is for this virus in areas that are not hotspots yet, in order to get a better idea of how to handle things in each state. States that are not hotspots still have hope to identify new cases and contain them. But, although this was not said out loud, what I’m getting out of this is that if you live in Washington, California or New York you’re pretty much fucked. However, the nonfucked states will be hearing a lot more about testing in the coming days.
  • Second, he talks about New York. He says that people are “understandably” trying to flee the city. But so far, we believe that 1 in 1,000 people in New York City are infected. He’s not saying this out loud, but people with the means to travel are actually MORE likely to be infected than the poor. So, it’s even worse than it sounds. These people are selfishly carrying their germs with them all over the country. We are 8 to 10 times more likely to be infected than people in the rest of the country. It’s important to self isolate. We do not want New York seeding this illness to the rest of the country.
  • Lastly, Dr. Fauci talks about how Donald Trump said a lot of words about the malaria drug yesterday. Please ignore them. He says we are testing lots of drugs right now. Don’t forget that. He also says that there is no clinical evidence yet that the malaria drug works. There is anecdotal evidence, but it will need to be tested and studied more before it can be recommended as a treatment. He says that they are getting many things together for clinical trials, and the subtext here is for the love of god, don’t take fish tank cleaner pills.


  • He says that we are making great progress on the relief bill. We are getting closer to a deal, and he expects another vote to happen ASAP.
  • Key points: Legislation is urgently needed to stabilize the economy and get us through a difficult period, and to better position us for what he thinks will be a huge economic crisis. This will be the single largest main street assistance program in the United States. Phase two of the relief package will deliver sick leave to all the hourly workers. Phase three will be a package for small businesses. He says they want to help maintain payrolls. They are currently looking at giving out direct deposit checks of roughly $3,000 for a family of four to help bridge the gaps, plus enhanced unemployment. He didn’t talk about self employment, but I’m guessing if you’re self employed you will also be helping yourself.
  • The hope here is that the companies that were doing well before this will continue to do well. And if you were doing poorly? I guess we’re not going to talk about that.
  • Income tax deferrals are happening. There will be no interest on student loan deferrals. The federal reserve is open to help stabilize the economy. In order to do this, we have to replenish the treasury’s emergency fund. That fun will be overseen by an oversight board. It will be totally transparent, and have an inspector general. The total package here comes to roughly six trillion dollars, two trillion in direct assistance and four trillion in federal reserve lending power.
  • He says we are headed for a rough period, but it’ll only be “weeks.. Or months” but definitely not years “that’s for sure”.


  • “Great voice, great man, Larry Kudlow” he says wistfully
  • He says we’ll be “even better than we were a month ago”. WINNING! BOEING! He talks about Boeing A LOT at these conferences.
  • He says money will come back in a “STRONG FORM”.


  • Pence says the Coronavirus task force met again today.
  • Thanks America. Here’s my 1 sheet again.
  • He says that we are all making a difference. So if people can all just stay inside, that would be great.
  • He says the purpose of their task force is to slow the spread, but they are also looking to identify supplies, focus on testing, and give support to our healthcare workers.
  • He says that they have made great progress, repeats Dr. Birx for any of the men out there who can’t speak woman.
  • If you don’t have symptoms, don’t get a test.
  • He is continuing to urge all labs across the country to report their results to the CDC so we can have accurate tracking information.
  • They are continuing to follow test results, but are particularly focused on New York. The reality is that New York is pretty screwed.
  • If you’re in New York, please stay the fuck home. If you have left New York, don’t be a selfish bastard and isolate yourself.
  • Because of the spread in NYC, we will continue to surge resources to the city. The USS Comfort is on the way.
  • He gave some numbers for hospitals and supplies that contradicted what Trump said earlier.
  • They have been having team meetings at FEMA. FEMA has informed them that they are shipping… just a lot of stuff.
  • Last word, let’s praise businesses again.
  • You guys, McDonalds is now offering curbside pickup for food for truckers! God bless America!
  • Heal our land!
  • *Waves the 1 sheet one more time*


(to be clear here, I am paraphrasing the questions)

  • QUESTION: Mr. President, you said that you would like to see the country open by Easter and see churches packed on that day? What the fuck? Have and of the doctors signed off on that?
  • TRUMP: No, totally arbitrary. I thought it sounded beautiful.
  • You guys, here is the actual quote: “I think we’re looking at a timeline. We were discussing it at a very good meeting today. You know, if you add it all up, that’s probably nine days, plus another two and a half weeks. That’s a period of time that’s longer than the original two weeks. So, uh, we’re gonna look at it. We’re gonna do it if it’s good, and maybe we do sections of the country. We do large sections of the country. That could be it too. But, no we’re very much in touch with Tony and with Deborah. Whatever they would do.”
  • He continues: “I just thought it was a beautiful time. A beautiful timeline. It’s a great day.”
  • And again: “We were thinking sooner, but I just think it would be beautiful.”
  • QUESTION: Mr. President, the numbers are going up and we are clearly fucked. What states do you think will open? What the fuck?
  • TRUMP: “Well, we are working with all of them. There are large sections of our country you didn’t talk about, and we are working with all of them unbelievably well. They have small numbers. It’s very possible that they won’t be ever be faced with what’s happening in New York. And uh… we’re doing an incredible job in New York.”
  • QUESTION: Mr. President, let’s talk about easter again. What the fuck?
  • TRUMP: “We’ll be looking at lots of things. I’ll be guided by Dr. Fauci and DEBORAH,”
  • QUESTION: Dr. Fauci, please tell us… what the fuck?
  • DR. FAUCI: This is flexible. We will be evaluating this on a day to day basis. Obviously no one wants to tone down what’s happening in New York City. But we need to know more about what’s happening in the rest of the country. It’s a big country. Some areas might be less affected than others. What we don’t have right now is enough data to know what will be needed.
  • QUESTION: Is New York the epicenter?
  • TRUMP: It’s what you might call HOT.
  • And then he starts bragging about our test numbers again.
  • QUESTION: When you talk about what areas to open up… we need to cover this again, what the fuck? Where?!?
  • TRUMP: “Farms… Texas. Parts of Texas.”
  • REPORTERS YELLING QUESTIONS: did you give New York a heads up about all this isolation stuff? Do you think it’s wise to pack churches on easter?
  • Trump walks off stage and leaves.


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