Donald Trump GUEST AUTHOR Mark Esper Mike Pence National Press Conference

Press conference with Donald Trump (4/1/20)

BY GUEST AUTHOR, TANYA PEREZ! I’m very excited to introduce you guys to Tanya! She graciously offered to take on a day of tangerine for me yesterday, and I’m thrilled to share her work with you now! Take it away, Tanya!


Ugh, I really wish this was some kind of April’s Fools joke and we all get to have a good laugh at the prank this Administration is pulling on us on the daily. Nope. This is for real, folks. So I’m drinking a mean whiskey while watching this shit show unfold.

Also, I apologize to Amy’s mom for all the adult words I’m ‘bout to unleash. 

Just for the record, I despise this wretch of a “man” so much that I have done a number of santeria rituals to withstand the few hours of listening to his dribble that I have summed up here.  My love for Amy’s blog and Tullamore Dew push me through!


A nearly empty row of seats sits a group of “diverse” reporters strategically 6 feet apart from each other, eager in anticipation for all the WTF moments that are about to unfold this evening.

A group of white dudes walk onto the press briefing stage and hit their marks around the grade school assembly podem.  They stand around for a full two minutes looking like someone smelt it but no one is claiming they delt it.

Just as someone is about to fess up, Bozo the clown emerges from the hideaway door like he is about to do a magic show for Family night at Shoney’s.

45’s Opening Statement 

*America wages war on this “horrible, horrible” virus.

*He’s looking at the numbers. Perhaps not registering what it means but he is looking.

*He reminds the American people to do our patrotic duty by staying the fuck inside all of April. I am calling the this April Showers: The corona trail of tears

*They did a lot of good this to stop this spread but the travel ban was a big old pat on their back for enacting it “early, far, far earlier than anybody thought and before anybody else”

  • Just to instill fear, he reminds us that he is keeping us safe from cartels, criminals and you know all the bad guys who might take advantage of us during this situation
  • Today those drug cartels are planning something. I’m like wait, WHAT? I thought I was gonna sit down and listen to another pack of lies about this pandemic. Where are you going with this, Dinky Don?
  • Something about Enhanced Counter Narcotic Operations
  • 45 calls PPE Personnel Protective Equipment. Full stop. I spent 15 years teaching CPR and First Aid as a side hustle for the NYC DOE, DOH, the Federal Reserve along with medical teams in the city and I’ll be damned to let a little slip from his derelict mouth go unnoticed. It’s PERSONAL PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT and the one thing all our frontline hospital staff NEED right NOW, muthafucker!!! Get that shit RIGHT!!!

45 strolls off and hands over the mic to Secretary Mark Esper.

Markie Mark:

*Today they begin the Enhanced Counter Narcotic Operations in the Eastern Paciifc Ocean and Caribbean. This is not a new ride at DisneyWorld, folks. 

* 22 nations are partnering with us to do this. Something about 280 metric tons of drugs….

Hold up, wait a minute- so we are deploying a bunch of extra military out at sea because we also have a WAR ON DRUGS??!!  What about all those sick soldiers stuck on a boat in Guam? What is happening??!!

I need another glass of whiskey.  Did I tell you this bottle has a Caribbean Cask Finish? Perfect for this next bit of campaigning during a historic pandemic. 

Back to our regularly scheduled program:

*Corrupt actors, not the ones on this very stage, but the Maduro Regime in Venezuela are trying to capitalize on this crisis.

In case you don’t  know who they’re talking about, this is Nicolás Maduro:

And the Trump Administration has been after this guy for a while.  Here is an article published on January 21st 2020 by CNBC.

On January 22nd, Trump made this comment about COVID 19 on CNBC show Squawk Box: “We have it totally under control. It’s one person coming in from China.”

Today we have over 216,000 cases in the USA. We are #1!!!

Let’s return to this ratings-popping-reality-tv -hot-mess, shall we. Cue Thoroughly Modern General Milley!

*In a nutshell, he is not having any of the bad guys fuck up his country. He’s ready to take down all these cocaine cowboys headed our way with these fighting words:

“This is the United States military. You will not penetrate this country. You will not pass jump street.  You will not kill us with your drugs MOTHERFUCKERS”. Ok, I did embellish that last part but I totally thought he said that. 

Exit Milley singing and tapping to the tune of “Not for the Life of Me”. 

Enter stage right, Steve Bannon… I mean Bill Burr…Barr. I don’t know, they all look the same to me. (note from Amy: I LITERALLY THINK THIS EVERY TIME TOO!!!)

*A minute and a half of thank yous.

*The reason why this administration is focusing on this drug war is because of the Mexican cartels and we need to destroy them.

At this point I have spit out my drink and quickly refill. I mean, am I watching the companion series Narcos: Mexico?

*ZZZ cocaine is back ZZZ 70,000 people die from drugs ZZZ NOW is the time to do this ZZZ I love when you hold me, Mr. President.

A concerto plays softly as they dance in his mind together at last.


Oh wait, I forgot about this costar, Ambassador O’Brien, with his stagnant dialogue just saying the same shit everyone else is saying. I would normally kill him off in a second pass of a draft but he had this beautiful under 5 line:

Bassnector O’ Brien: We gonna “choke off” these guys.

Made me giggle.

Q & A TIME! Also known as the drinking game in my house where we all drink when 45 interrupts, lies, gives misinformation or gives no information at all.  Damn, I’m gonna finish this bottle tonight!

Q: What has changed to free up assets now that were unavailable in the past?

*45: Cuz we wanna and we can! I see things no one else sees but I’m gonna pass this over to Mark so he can really answer. Yo, Mark!

*Markie Mark: We have been working on this for a few months and now we can do it. 

Q: For how long will this last?

*Markie Mark: Meh, we will reassess when we want to but at this time we don’t know. We’ll get back to you.

Feels like my last audition tape I sent out. Don’t call us, we’ll call you.

Here comes Donnie!

*45: Blah dee blarp COVID TIE IN boo bee doh

Q: Can you expand on that? Because you tie it to Covid 19 and the cartels are taking advantage of that? How exactly-

*45: Because we are so focused on other parts of this country, the world, my properties, this spray tan…damn this frigging pandemic! You are ruining my campaign! War on Drugs. Super bad.

*45: But the WALL! It’s working! It’s 160 miles and people can’t get in, I mean they can walk around it but they can’t get through it. 

*Ok, what I gathered in this weak ass explanation of things is that the Mexicans are coming again now with Covid 19. End stop. I need to invoke our Lady of Guadalupe to digest all this and bring me the strength to listen onward.

Q: Did China underreport and what does that mean for your relationship with President XI?

*45: We good. Nuff said. Pause 

Oh but they are spending mad money on us. Like farmers and other shit. Word.

Q: What about your tweet about Iran and Iraq plotting something evil against America?

*45: I told them “Don’t do it”.

Q: Back to XI…did you see an Intelligence Report-

*45: I don’t know nothing…EXCEPT…numbers were a little bit on the light side.

He does like looking at numbers. Bee Boop.

*45: “Our relationship is good and they will be doing a lot of spending. There has been a little bit of a hurdle, what has happened over the last month…”  

I wonder if O’Brien is jealous of their relationship. 

Q: China is shipping PPE and taking on a global leadership role-

*45: Woah lady, I am all for China helping out the poor people who don’t know any better about social distancing. Places like:

And this place:

Oh wait, he was talking about OTHER countries. My bad.

45 continues with:

* Walmart is stepping their game and making gowns in all sizes.

* “Did you know I’m #1 on Facebook?” -actual quote

I apologize but I got so damn confused who said what in this section because the Circle Jerk party started to weave in and out to get facetime on the mic, so I am gonna just bullet point the need to know:

*Because of the outbreak on the Theodore Roosevelt Ship, they are increasing testing for soldiers going out to sea and mandating a 14 day quarantine for any deployment. 

*National stockpile of PPE is being depleted because hospitals are actually using them. Duh.

*Asking states to go local with PPE manufacturers

*10,000 ventilators are on hold to be shipped and they are looking at which hotspots to send them to

*Covid 19 says “I’m EVERYWHERE!”

*Birth of the babies will not be done on any of the ship hospitals

Q: Are you lifting immigration restrictions on doctors with H1 visas to help other doctors?

Barr quickly steps in!

*”I’m not part of that no more”

Barr returns to post. 

Q: Is Iran underreporting?

*45: I don’t frigging know and it’s not my fault, it’s Kerry’s.

El Cheeto grandstands this final bit while the actual Covid 19 professionals get ready to make their entrance.  Here are a few things this Caddy Shack reject said:

*Shit is gonna get bad and he loves New York

*Louisiana was “all of a sudden, it was like an explosion” with an outbreak. Totally unexpected. Totally.

*There is a race to find “ a cure, a remedy of some kind or even a help”

*Keep the distance…Professionals said, “Shut the country down” and I’m like,  “What does that mean?”

*We will build this city on rock and roll.  Ok, he didn’t say that but these folx did:

*Corporations will get tax benefits for eating out at restaurants

*45 has a friend who caught the virus and he was the “ right person” to get infected bad enough for him to change his tune about just calling it a flu. 

*Looking into full mitigation of operating flights going in and out of hotspots

When asked about not declaring a national stay at home order, he said “Some states don’t have much of a problem” 

End Stop.

 I will have you know that my internet and feed of the live briefing shut off just as he was talking about his girlfriend Putin.  I think it was the Russion bots watching my screens with their internet spy spiders, so this is as far as I got. 

My final thoughts on this are:

*Go watch Cuomo’s briefings

*Stay the fuck inside and wash everyhting all the goddamn time because this adminstraion doesn’t give a flying fuck about the American people.

*I need to stockpile a helluva lot more booze.

Reporting from Florida, this is Tanya who has entered early retirement with my folks. Peace out!

Tanya Perez is a New York based actress, comedy writer and professional clown who has been displaced by the coronavirus pandemic along with her angry chihuahua Tia Tortilla.  You can follow her on Instagram & Twitter @tanyaperezrulez, IMDB and Facebook.

Yeah, all my work has stopped for the unforeseeable future so contributions can be made at Venmo @Tanya-Perez or using the email at Zelle 


Donald Trump Mark Esper National Press Conference USNS Comfort

Donald Trump sends off the USNS Comfort

Today we have Donald Trump and the United States Secretary Of Defense, Mark Esper, COMING TO YOU LIVE FROM THE USNS COMFORT IN NORFOLK, VIRGINA!

Donald Trump and Mark Esper walk out to “hail to the chief” in front of a huge white naval ship. Trump’s face looks to have graduated from orange to a much redder color on my TV screen. I assume he’s trying to match the red cross on the medical ship.


  • “Thank you to our president for”… something, something, something, whatever.
  • NOTE FROM ME: I mentally tuned out during this obligatory line, because he hasn’t done anything here worthy of praise. Never forget, WE THE PEOPLE employ the president, not the other way around! That Navy ship belongs to US, the citizens of The United States of America! When Trump is no longer president, those Navy ships will still belong to the country and he will have no more power over them than I do. I’m not going to thank him for properly using the resources the American people have given him to use in a crisis. That’s literally the bare minimum requirement of his job.
  • ADDITIONAL NOTE: But, a giant thank you to our military for doing a fantastic job in spite of being led by a deranged toddler! That thank you is from me!
  • The department of defense is focused on three priorities.
  • Number one: protecting our service members, civilians, and their families. They are committed to taking all necessary measures to safeguard the well being of our most important resource, our people.
  • Number two: remaining prepared to carry out our core national security missions, and to defend The United States against any threat.
  • Number three: continuing to support Trump’s response to the coronavirus.
  • NOTE FROM ME: How are number one and number three different???
  • For several weeks the armed services and the National Guard have been surging resources, supplies, research and personnel to help the fight against the coronavirus.
  • Thousands of National Guard troops have been mobilized across the country, doing a variety of tasks ranging from logistics to medical support.
  • Much needed support is being sent to the most impacted parts of the country (New York and California).
  • Military doctors have been doing research and development on accelerating a vaccine and therapeutics, working alongside our public and private sector doctors.
  • In our nation’s moment of need, 45 has ordered the deployment of our nation’s “most powerful symbols of medical care and compassion” the Navy’s two hospital ships, The USNS Mercy and USNS Comfort.
  • NOTE FROM ME: Our whole navy only has two hospital ships? Am I the only one that thinks this sounds wild? My cousin served in the Navy. I have questions for him now!
  • The USNS Comfort will serve a critical role in relieving some of the pressure on hospitals in the New York area. AND WE THANK THEM FOR THAT! I know I do!
  • Mark also thanks them, and then he says some congratulatory words about the bloated oompa loompa standing behind him.
  • We will get through this together, and we will prevail.


  • He uses one of the four or five descriptive vocabulary words he knows, and says Mark is doing a “fantastic” job.
  • “I am deeply honored to be at” *checks notes* “naval station norfolk” *continues checking notes* “the largest naval base” *looks up* “anywhere in the world” *checks notes* “and the home to the most powerful fleet” *squints* “that has ever sailed the seas”.
  • QUOTE: “I just passed some of the most beautiful, and highly lethal, ships that I’ve ever seen in my life, and there are a lot of them!”
  • “We’re grateful to be joined by” *checks notes* “commander of the..” *squints* “US fleet forces, Admiral Christopher Grady” *checks notes* “and commander of the US second fleet, Vice Admiral Woody Lewis.”
  • “Our country is at war with an invisible enemy, we are marshalling the full power of the American nation, economic, scientific, medical, and military, to vanquish the virus. And we will do that.”
  • NOTE FROM ME: You guys, he honestly sounds sick to me. *raises eyebrow*
  • He expresses his gratitude to the people in US Armed services, who are all worth a million times what he is (my words), who are on the way to New York.
  • “This great ship behind me is a 70,000 ton messgage of hope and solidarity to the incredible people of New York. A place I know very well. A place I love. We’re here for you, we’re fighting for you, and we’re with you all the way and we always will be. You have the unwavering support of the entire nation, the entire government, and the entire…” *checks notes* “…American people.”
  • NOTE FROM ME: Maybe I’m just feeling emotional thinking about all the great men and women in the US Navy who are on their way to help my city, but I actually think Trump sounded rather sincere just now. Maybe De Blasio attempting to reach him with images of Elmhurst Hospital actually did have some effect.
  • The USNS was scheduled for four weeks of maintenance, but they were able to turn her around in just four days instead.
  • It will arrive at pier 90 in Manhattan on Monday.
  • It’s crew will begin treating patients on Tuesday.
  • It will be met in New York Harbor by Governor Cuomo.
  • It will provide a critical surge capacity for the New York metro area.
  • Their mission will be to care for New Yorkers who do not have the virus, but require urgent care for other problems. By serving people who do not have COVID-19 away from the city hospitals, beds will be freed up for people who do have the virus. This will also make it less likely that someone will come into a hospital for an unrelated problem and leave with COVID-19.
  • The ship is fully stocked for any medical need that should arise.
  • It’s sister ship, the USNS Mercy, arrived ahead of schedule on the west coast in port yesterday in California. It is performing a similar mission for the people of Los Angeles. It is fully loaded with 12 operating rooms, 1,000 hospital beds, a pharmacy, an optometry lab, a radiology unit, a cat scan, and a lot of other things. It also has a helicopter pad. But, most importantly, it has an outstanding crew of 1,200 clinicians.
  • The crew of the USNS Comfort and the USNS Mercy are among the best medical professionals in the world.
  • “I also want to remind everyone of the CDC’s latest guidance. If you are from the New York metropolitan area, and you travel elsewhere, we need you to self quarantine for 14 days to help us contain the spread of the virus. And I am now considering, and will make a decision very quickly, very shortly a quarantine because it’s such a hot area of New York, New Jersey and Connecticut, and we’ll be announcing one way or another fairly soon. This does not apply to people such as truckers from outside the New York area who are making deliveries, or simply transiting through. It won’t affect trade in any way.”
  • NOTE FROM ME: These words created panic in some parts of the city today, with some people imagining that we would be locked in and left without supplies. This is a prime example of Trump’s incompetence as a leader. Why would you tell people you’re floating this idea if you don’t have any guidelines for how it would look? If you’re going to tell people their whole state might be quarantined for an indeterminate amount of time, you have to be able to tell people what that actually means. Or else people will assume the worst. But, for the record, we’re already on lockdown in New York City. So, I don’t see how a statewide quarantine would change anything.
  • Four medical centers have already been completed in New York. He is also giving New York “four large tents, which they need very badly”. I am wondering if he means the four other field hospitals, which are all definitely not tents.
  • “Two big words… READY. RESERVES.” he talks about all the people we have on reserve to help in this fight, and all of the supplies that are being sent to New York.
  • He says FEMA has so far shipped 11.6 million N95 masks, 26 million surgical masks, 5.2 million face shields, 4.3 million surgical gowns, 22 million gloves, and 8,100 ventilators. I think these numbers are national.
  • He reminds everyone that this week he used the defense production act to compel General Motors to produce ventilators and says that he thinks “they’re gonna do a great job”.
  • He says that all of our nation’s ventilator companies have been working around the clock to make more ventilators, and adds that if we make too many it’s ok because we can ship them to the UK.
  • Just a reminder, Boris “let’s destroy our relationship with the rest of Europe” Johnson has COVID-19. As does Rand Paul here in the US.
  • Trump says he asked Boris how he was doing, and Boris replied “WE NEED VENTILATORS.”
  • Trump says the ventilator is a very complicated piece of machinery, “perhaps more so than a car”.
  • He hopes that we soon have enough ventilators to help other countries, and you know what guys? I do too. I’m just concerned by Trump’s sudden interest in altruism. It doesn’t track with anything we know about him, so I am suspicious.
  • In the next 100 days, we will produce three times as many ventilators as we typically do in a year.
  • The factories of many large companies are being modified to make medical supplies.
  • He praises himself for the relief bill again.
  • He reminds everyone that tax day has been moved to July.
  • He says we are still looking for new treatments and vaccines.
  • He says we have had “much death”. *shakes head*
  • He says that there are now 151 countries dealing with this virus around the world.
  • He repeats again that we are “the number one tester” in the world.
  • He repeats again that we have “learned a lot”.
  • Golf bless America. That’s a typo, AND IT STAYS.

“Stars And Stripes Forever” plays jubilantly as the ship slowly pulls away, and it’s hard to believe that this is real life and that this giant beast of a ship is on it’s way here to New York City. You know we New Yorkers love a good fleet week, but this isn’t exactly what we usually have in mind. Nevertheless, I am extremely grateful to the fine professionals in our United States Navy for their aid to my city. No matter what differences I may have with the politicians in the White House, I want to be clear about the fact that I have nothing but admiration for our armed services. Thank you for your help, USNS Comfort. You are appreciated.


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