Donald Trump Jovita Carranza Mike Pence National Press Conference Steve Mnuchin

Press conference with Donald Trump (4/2/20)

Looking at The White House feed for today’s press conference, I can see the orange terror has once again decided to spend two and a half hours of the nation’s time on his daily ego trip. I’m sure most of the conference can be summed up by saying the following:

  • We’re still fighting the virus.
  • We’ve done the most tests in the world!!!! U-S-A! U-S-A!
  • “Our country had the best economy, the best wifi, the best testing labs, the best hotels…” You know, on a personal note, I once stayed in a hostel in Hungary with a guy from Spain who kept going on and on about how Spain had “the best food, the best dancers, the best lovers…”. I told that guy “Ok, if that’s true, I want to see you make dinner.” He looked surprised by that response, but I’ll be damned if he didn’t prove his point with some amazing seafood paella an hour later. Trump is a lot like that guy, except that Trump’s not cute, he can’t dance, he can’t cook, and basically he has very little going on to back any of his shit up.
  • “We inherited a broken system… wahhhhh… it’s Obama’s fault! Obama should have planned for a virus that didn’t exist four years ago! THERE WAS AN EMPTY SHELLLLLLF!!!!!”
  • “No one could have seen this coming, and now it’s in every country! WE HAD NO IDEA!”
  • “Here are the same figures on what we sent to New York that I’ve been using for the past four days.”
  • “I was the first person to close the borders with China!”
  • “We’ve learned so much.”

Ok, so now that those talking points are out of the way, I’m only going to write down new information going forward. I expect this to shorten the note taking process significantly.

Here we go!


  • The Paycheck Protection Program launches tomorrow. This is the small business loan program that is offering forgivable loans if you continue to pay your staff. This loan is also open to sole proprietors and independent contractors.
  • If you typically don’t file a tax return, you will not have to file one when you get your direct payment assistance from the government.
  • Your direct assistance will be sent directly to your bank account if you have a bank account on file with the IRS, if not you will receive a check.
  • He says they are “protecting social security, medicaid, and medicare”, whatever that means.


  • She thanks Ivanka Trump, and I’m sorry… but, what is Ivanka’s position in our government? What does she have to do with anything?
  • This new loan will help a lot of small businesses, and they want everyone to know about it.
  • If you continue to pay your employees, UP TO 100% of your loan can be forgiven. UP TO. So, there are conditions. You can read about this loan over at
  • Lol at Trump just dying to interrupt this woman.
  • This loan is for businesses that have 500 or less employees.
  • If you are approved for this loan, you will get the money the same day.
  • The economic relief checks for individual citizens will be here in two weeks if you have direct deposit.
  • If the IRS does not have your direct deposit information on file, they will be launching a web portal that will allow people to submit their information there.
  • The employee retention credit is up and running as well. For the first $10,000 you have spent retaining an employee, you will get a 50% refundable tax credit you can use this year. So, that would mean you will get $5,000 back.
  • The reporters are all asking questions about how this will work, since we all know how poorly the situation with unemployment claims is going. But Steve claims they are totally on track with this. *SUSPICIOUS SIDE EYE*
  • One reporter asks now that social distancing has been extended, why are they not working on another relief bill to cover all the extra weeks? She asks “WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?”
  • Steve says that the bills we currently have should be good for ten weeks. *SUSPICIOUS SIDE EYE*
  • I have to say, it’s pretty damn amusing watching how upset it makes Trump to let other people talk. I mean, look at this face! LOL
“When can we start talking about my ratings again?” – Donald, probably
  • Someone asks how it would make sense for a small business like a restaurant to rehire their employees when no one can come in to eat. Steve says the loan is 100% forgivable and would allow a business to remain operational for weeks even with no business. But, I have a much better question that wasn’t asked. How would this benefit the employees at a restaurant? If they are rehired, as they would have to be in order for the business to collect that loan, then servers will be collecting a very small paycheck. I think in New York servers are now paid, what? $10 an hour? I know most states do have laws on the books that say servers must be brought up to the state minimum wage if they don’t make enough in tips to equal that, but still… every server I know makes more from tips than minimum wage and most of them would be better off taking unemployment instead of accepting this deal. But, here comes the catch… you can only collect unemployment if you’ve been laid off. Technically, these servers would be disqualified. So, the whole thing would be a pretty shitty deal for them.
  • The SBA loan for independent contractors, charities and sole properties will be up next week.


Real time footage of how thirsty Donald was to return to the mic
  • From now on, no one is allowed into nursing homes except for staff.
  • They are also asking that nursing homes use the same staff for the same groups of seniors everyday to minimize the opportunities for the virus to spread.
  • They are also working on extending services for veterans.
  • Interestingly, Donny boy says that they have just used the Defense Production Act to force 3M to make masks. But, weren’t they one of our featured sponsors as recently as… *checks notes* last week? Hmmm… another example of Donald praising a company on live TV only to be forced to admit they weren’t as cooperative as he had made it seem previously. So, 3M now joins GM under Trump’s bus.
  • At least he has finally started saying “COVID” like Cuomo rather than the ridiculously racist phrase “CHINESE VIRUS” that he was using before.
  • He plugs New York’s website for donations and volunteers, which is also interesting because… didn’t this man say he had a national stockpile of supplies he could easily distribute to states in need as recently as… *checks notes* three days ago? Does this mean it’s all gone already?
  • QUOTE: “I want to remind everyone here in our nation’s capital, especially in congress, that this is not the time for politics. Endless partisan investigations… HERE WE GO AGAIN! They’ve already done extraordinary damage to our country” (although hilariously it sounds like “I’ve already done extraordinary damage to our country”, WHICH IS ACCURATE!) “in recent years. You see what happens? It’s uh… a witch hunt, after witch hunt, after witch hunt… and in the end the people doing the witch hunt have been losing, and they’ve been losing by a lot. And.. uh… it’s not anytime for witch hunts, it’s time to uh… get this enemy defeated! Conducting these partisan investigations in the middle of a pandemic is a really big waste of vital resources, time, attention… and we wanna fight for American Lives. Not waste time. And build up my poll numbers, cause that’s all they’re doing, cause everyone knows it’s ridiculous. So, we wanna focus on the people of this country, even the people of the world, we’re gonna be able to help them because right now, as an example, we’re building so many ventilators. Very, very hard to build, but we’re building thousands. Thousands of them. And a lot of them will be coming at a time when we won’t need them as badly… uh, because it takes time. Very complex, very expensive. And we’ll be able to help outside of our country. We think we’ll be able to help.”
  • TRANSLATION: “We will have these ventilators after 16,000 people die in New York, and then we’ll sell them to other countries at a profit. Fuck Nancy Pelosi, and God Bless America.”
  • Another interesting thing to note; one of my very good friends is Brazilian. She said that Brazil is having a hard time getting any medical equipment because the US bought it all. So, for now, we are doing the opposite of what Trump is saying here. We are actively hurting other countries that need supplies. Just like New York can’t buy our own ventilators anymore, neither can Brazil. All of our lives are now in the hands of the United States Federal Government… and if that doesn’t scare you, I don’t know what will.

At that point, Trump says he needs to step out for a meeting and hands the reins over to Mike Pence. Mike almost never says anything worth listening to, so I decided to shut this thing off at that point. I definitely think these posts will be worth a second look in a week when New York is predicted to run out of ventilators. But, for now, please just compare and contrast the quote I just transcribed there to any of Cuomo’s recent quotes about partisan politics. Here, I’ll leave you with this example:

ANDREW CUOMO: “No politics. No partisanship. No division. There is no time for that. Not in this state, not in this nation. This is a deadly serious situation, and frankly it’s more important than politics, and it’s more important than partisanship. And if there is division at this time, the virus will defeat us. If there was ever a moment for unity, this my friends is the moment.”… “In this situation, there are no red states and there are no blue states, and there are no red casualties and there are no blue casualties. It’s red, white and blue. This virus doesn’t discriminate. It attacks everyone, and it attacks everywhere.”… “The president said this is a war, and I agree with that. This is a war. Then, let’s act that way. And let’s act that way now! And let’s show a commonality, and a mutuality, and a UNITY that this country hasn’t seen in decades. Because the lord knows we need it, today more than ever before.”

Do you notice how he managed to say all that without calling anyone else a loser? That’s the difference between a compassionate leader, and Donald Trump.


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